From the South Florida Sun-Sentinel

The worst damn sports show period

Dan Le Batard's sports-talk show on The Ticket is Utter Mayhem -- but it's surprisingly entertaining.

by T.M. Shine.

February 15 2006

Dan Le Batard is no doubt a gifted writer and sports analyst. It's evident in his work as a Miami Herald columnist and ESPN regular. So who would have guessed what a lousy radio sports-talk-show host he'd make?

Le Batard, for one. He came on the air with nothing more to offer than a self-deprecating attitude and a disdain for clichéd sports programs. The show's early promos described this outlook perfectly: "If life doesn't suck enough … try us."

Well, it turns out this was the perfect posture to take. Seventeen months in, The Dan Le Batard Show on 790 The Ticket (WAXY-AM 790) is sometimes a chaotic mess, but it's always an infectiously entertaining one.

"Oh, you're being kind saying sometimes it's a chaotic mess," Le Batard admits. "I don't have any training in this."

A graduate of the University of Miami, Le Batard says about all he has learned from his radio experience so far is, "I know we sometimes giggle too much." His status as a respected journalist gives him the opportunity to ask top athletes and other sports figures the stupidest questions imaginable. And he takes full advantage of it.

Along with Jon "Stugotz" Weiner as his on-air sidekick and old college buddy Marc Hochman as producer, Le Batard has created an irreverently comic soup of sports, pop culture and pretty much anything that happens to come up in conversation. A favorite topic is how fat and sweaty Le Batard looks during his television appearances.

"There is something to be said for the appeal of not knowing what's coming next. This isn't scripted and, yeah, it's messy," Le Batard explains. "I don't have any broadcast polish. What I do have, I think, is a decent barometer for interesting."

This is especially true among sports fans who find it interesting when, say, during an interview of Miami Heat coach Pat Riley, Le Batard skips rote questions such as how he plans to defend against the Clippers and instead inquires whose music he likes better, Dexy's Midnight Runners or The Scorpions. This approach also works for marginal sports enthusiasts who think a talk-show host should spend valuable airtime trying to coax a Dancing With the Stars contestant to give him a secret hand signal on national TV.

"At first, the biggest knock on us was that our jokes were too inside, but now it seems like everybody is inside," says Weiner, who is also the general manager of 790 The Ticket. "The callers really get it. We get some of our funniest stuff from them."

Le Batard and his crew are writing the book on how not to do a radio sports-talk show. Here are some lessons from that book:

1. Immediately cut off any caller -- unless it's a woman -- who begins a conversation with something as innocent as, "Hey, how are you guys doing today?" or a simple "Hi." Time is too valuable for pleasantries and should be used for more-important stuff. (See No. 2.)

2. A. Do weekly spots with Florida Marlins President David Samson -- not to discuss things such as the fire sale of the team's best players or the endless search for a new stadium site but to hear his reviews of movies. Samson's favorite, by the way, is Let It Ride with Jennifer Tilly. B. Interview Jennifer Tilly. C. Play Jennifer Tilly moaning "no, no" for next 12 months.

3. Bring up Chewbacca so regularly in conversation that you actually come across someone who doesn't know who the heck Chewbacca is. Referencing the Star Wars icon during an interview with 22-year-old Milwaukee Bucks guard T.J. Ford, Le Batard was stunned by Ford's reply of, "Who?" He desperately tried to explain who Chewbacca is but failed miserably, leaving himself completely exasperated. (See sidebar.)

4. Two words: robot baseball. During the height of Major League Baseball's steroid controversy, a caller said he could envision eventually seeing players with bionic limbs on the field. Inspired, the show produced an elaborate play-by-play segment of robot baseball with former "Voice of the Marlins" and 790 early-afternoon host John "Boog" Sciambi making the calls. Players included a Coke machine that would pitch only when someone put a quarter in it. Other players included C-3P0 and the Six Million Dollar Man. "We even had Frankenberry out there," Hochman recalls. "But we're not sure if he's even a robot."

5. Let your audience vote on what your e-mail address should be. Then, be happy that, as a result, you now have the flattering address Cantstanddan@790theticket.com.

6. Conduct a weekly roundtable with sports luminaries such as Jim Rome, John Madden and Al Pacino, all imitated by one guy -- Frank Caliendo from Fox's Mad TV. Include Madden's homoerotic fantasies about Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre and Pacino's enthusiastic description of his favorite video game. "The monkey is throwing barrels at you, Dan. Can you imagine climbing up an unbuilt building, scaffolding, with a monkey throwing barrels at you? Forget King Kong. Donkey Kong." (Hear this exchange in its entirety at Citylinkmagazine.com.)

7. Spice up NCAA March Madness basketball talk by assigning each team a popular 1980s song. Instead of having to discuss, say, Villanova vs. Georgetown, the new format would allow you to pit "Come On, Eileen" against "Abracadabra." Huh? Exactly.

8. Have a sidekick named Stugotz who embodies every cliché you can find on every other sports-talk show so when you, the high-profile star, are absent from the show, there's not a chance it won't overflow with stats and contract talks and be boring as hell. Then, listen from your car and revel in how boring it is.

9. Subconsciously deteriorate into white-man gangsta speak and go all "playa hata" while talking sports with rap stars such as Trick Daddy.

10. Whenever you have the opportunity to make appearances on nationally televised sports shows, represent by wearing an old orange corduroy jacket.

The Dan Le Batard Show airs 4-7 p.m. every Monday through Friday on 790 The Ticket (WAXY-AM 790). Visit 790theticket.com.