From the South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Napoleon Dynamite rules!

It’s getting no love from the Oscars, yet Napoleon Dynamite is more than just the best picture of the year — it’s a freakin’ phenomenon.

by Joanie Cox and T.M. Shine

February 23 2005

Napoleon Dynamite has pierced our hearts like a platinum arrow shot from a handmade bow staff. Every time you go online to order more "Give me your tots" buttons, they're out of stock. (And you can forget about the track jacket.) When you post your résumé to the door of your dorm room, you know you're not the only one who brags about being "pretty good with a bow staff." Word is the movie has even caught on among our brothers and sisters in Iraq. Soldiers at Camp Victory in Baghdad can't get enough of calling each other "Idiot!" During the recent elections in that country, there was even talk of getting Iraqi citizens to wear "Vote for Pedro" buttons.

Think back in recent motion picture history: How many quotable lines have there been? Even those Austin Powers movies produced only, like, two. Napoleon Dynamite has 1,454, and that's before Napoleon even says, "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills." And who among us isn't desperately waiting for the day in the not-so-distant future when someone asks, "What did you do last summer?" so we can quickly jump down their throats and reply, "I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines"?

The producers and marketers of this film deliberately set out to create a cult following. (See "Anatomy of a hit" at right.) But this is no cult film. Napoleon Dynamite is a phenomenon. So what kind of acknowledgment did Napoleon Dynamite get from the Oscars? Let's just say the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is as blind as Ray Charles and as drunk as the guys from Sideways. They haven't a clue. They're lost in Finding Neverland while what's truly holding this nation captive is right in front of them at Preston High, deep in the heart of Idaho, where -- for their flippin' information! -- Napoleon happens to be the tetherball champion.

Want more proof? Have you seen anyone walking around in a Million Dollar Baby T-shirt? Of course not. Yet Napoleon Dynamite merchandising is everywhere, from eBay to Hot Topic stores to the hallways of every school in South Florida. (See "Dynamite threads," page 20.)

Anyway, we're here to give the film its due. Not only have we given it the deserved honor of best picture of the year, but also best actor, best director, best choreography, best facial hair … . Well, you get the idea. And for those of you who don't get it, well, you just haven't watched the movie 44 times yet. Give it time.

Best actor
Jon Heder, for perfecting the art of running downhill on level ground as Napoleon Dynamite.

Best supporting actor
Efren Ramirez; as Napoleon's best friend, Pedro, he gives the most subtle yet determined performance of the year.

Best supporting actor of a supporting actor
Aaron Ruell, who plays Napoleon's older brother, Kip, and spends much of the movie bolstering the ego of Uncle Rico (Jon Gries).

Best actress
Tina Majorino, as Deb, the budding Glamour Shots photographer who almost comes between Napoleon and Pedro.

Best supporting actress
Sandy Martin, as Napoleon and Kip's grandmother. In one awesome scene, she wipes out on a four-wheeler in the desert. In another, she tells Napoleon to fend for himself and just "eat a dang ques-a-dill-uh."

Best director
Deb, for instructing Uncle Rico on how to pose for his glamour shot: "Hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little sea horses."

Best animal
Tina, grandma's beloved pet llama.

Best rival
Summer Wheatley (Haylie Duff), Pedro's sole opponent for student-body president.

Best action sequence
When Pedro grabs almost "3 feet of air" going off a wooden bicycle ramp, proving once and for all that sweet jumps require mad skills.

Best makeover
When Pedro shaves his head because his hair was making him "too hot," and Deb fits him with a striking Spanish-soap-opera-star wig just before his big campaign speech.

Best movie within a movie
Uncle Rico's ongoing football video. If only the coach would've put him in in the fourth quarter in 1982, Rico would be sitting in a hot tub with his soul mate right now.

Best dialogue
When Napoleon calls home from school and wants to be picked up:

Kip: Why?

Napoleon: 'Cause I don't feel good!

Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?

Napoleon: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?

Kip: No.

Napoleon: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my Chap Stick?

Kip: No, Napoleon.

Napoleon: But my lips hurt real bad!

Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.

Napoleon: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!

Kip: See ya.

Napoleon: Ugh! Idiot!

Best animation
The Liger.

Honorable mention: The shading above Trisha's upper lip in a drawing by Napoleon.

Best facial hair
Pedro's "only took two days" mustache.

Honorable mention: The shading above Trisha's upper lip in a drawing by Napoleon.

Best cinematography
Glamour Shots by Deb.

Best costume design
Deb's big-sleeve prom dress.

Best online purchase
The time machine. "Ohhhh, man, I wish I could go back in time," Uncle Rico says. "I'd take state."

Best choreography

Best special effects
Napoleon's spastic shaking while being electrocuted by the time machine.

Best cameo
Dale Critchlow as Lyle, who is on camera only long enough to shoot a cow point-blank in front of a busload of schoolchildren.

Best answer to the question "How was school?"
Napoleon: Worst day of my life. What do you think? Ugghhh.

Best street sign on a bedroom door
Pegasus Crossing

Best song
"The Rose," as performed by The Happy Hands Club.

Best original song
Kip's wedding song to LaFawnduh (Shondrella Avery), which includes the lyrics:

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and forever
We met in a chat room
Now our love can fully bloom
Sure, the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me salivate
I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever.

Best poetry
By Kip: "Your sandy hair floats in the air/To me it's like a lullaby/I'm just flying by/Oh so high/Like a kite/Tied to a skate."

Best current-events news item
Standing before his fellow students, Napoleon delivers this bit of news: "Last week, Japanese scientists placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally."

Best bet
Uncle Rico to Kip: "How much you wanna bet I could throw a football over them mountains?"

Best question for your first day of work on a chicken farm
Napoleon: Do the chickens have large talons?

Best moral to the story
Vote for Pedro, and all your wildest dreams will come true.