From the South Florida Sun-Sentinel

The lay of the land

The first step in achieving the perfect hookup is admitting you have a hookup style.

by Courtney Hambright

June 21 2006

Before attempting to navigate the wilds of South Florida's sexual landscape, you must determine where you fit in. The first step is to ask yourself the following questions: What's my style? Do I take my love life one day at a time, or do I get off on the idea of a long, steamy romance?

Whatever gets your rocks off, you will get lost in the tropics if you don't start with a little self-analysis. No one who is looking to merge assets and seal the deal with a diamond should waste his or her time bumping and grinding at Capone's. On the flip side, no one who wants to hit some sweet meat on a weekly basis should pay the $20 cover to enter a PetSet pajama party. Yes, these contrasts are absurd, but to get the sex you want, you need to know where you belong and how to stock your arsenal. Following is a comprehensive list of the types of sexual beings most prevalent in South Florida. Where do you fit in?

Bootyphiles

Although they seem to dominate the area's main party districts, bootyphiles are not in the majority. Straight hooking it up with that phat ass -- more commonly known as a one-night stand -- is their primary objective. Getting as much nookie as possible on the dance floor also ranks high on their list of sexual priorities.

Plus: Great at dirty-dancing

Minus: Leave partners feeling an inexplicable sense of ick for months afterward

Haunts: Art Bar, Porterhouse, Capone's and Voodoo Lounge

You might be a bootyphile if: You have ever referred to a significant other as "shorty" or "boo."

You might be a closet bootyphile if: You can complete this 2 Live Crew lyric: "Bend on over show me what you got/'Cause I'm down for a ___."

Identifying characteristics: Oversize T-shirts on men, buns hanging beneath skirt hems on women and excessive jewelry on both

Celebrity sex icons: Foxy Brown and Luther Campbell

Turn-on: Doing it doggy-style

Rock your jockers

Ever-present but elusive, RYJs seem to constantly emerge from the shadows. When not watching their friends' bands at some local nightclub, this incestuous and somewhat-elusive group can be reached by appointment only. They range from serious serial monogamists to hookup maniacs.

Pluses: Possess only enough intellectual capacity to hold a conversation and have strong opinions

Minus: Will snub you if they don't recognize you

Haunts: The Poor House, Maguire's Hill 16, Dada, Roxanne's on Main, Billabong Pub, Jezebel, Revolution and fetish events

You might be an RYJ if: You laugh when people ask you, "What's your favorite radio station?"

You might be a closet RYJ if: You're secretly happy when you hear The Postal Service at a nightclub.

Identifying characteristics: Tattered T-shirts, tight jeans or skirts, Converse sneakers, pale complexions, imported beer, cigarettes, otherworldly looks in their eyes and a reluctant belief in love

Celebrity sex icons: Bettie Page and Lou Reed

Turn-ons: Deep knowledge of obscure topics, and autoerotic asphyxiation

Charity hobnobbers

These folks have issues of Go Riverwalk magazine on their coffee tables but little time to read them. Employed full-time in an industry that agrees with their postgraduate degrees, they get out of the house every other week for singles fundraisers for charity organizations such as PetSet and the Red Cross. Serious-minded in all things, they are looking for a compatible partner with a nominal concern for the community.

Plus: Relationship-oriented

Minus: Boring conversation

Haunt: Riverwalk Sunday Jazz Brunch

You might be a charity hobnobber if: You volunteered in high school.

You might be a closet charity hobnobber if: You lay out the next day's outfit before you go to bed.

Identifying characteristics: Nametag stickers on lapels and cocktails with stems

Celebrity sex icons: Martha Stewart, Kelly Ripa and Dr. Phil

Turn-on: Making love on their wedding night

Adult fratties

Whether these beer guzzlers have attained a college degree at an accredited university is not the issue. That they can spin a tale about waking up in a pool of their own vomit next to an unknown naked person without remembering how they got there is. Cool in their own minds though slightly unsatisfied with their passably hot relationship prospects, these people can barbecue a mean streak but are headed for a midlife meltdown.

Pluses: Attractive and enjoy outdoor activities such as tailgating, boating and suntanning

Minuses: Herd mentality, lack of originality and emotional time bombs

Haunts: Tarpon Bend, Elbo Room and the Ale House; make occasional trips to Mansion and Opium Garden in Miami Beach; Super Bowl parties

You might be an adult frattie if: You were popular in high school.

You might be a closet adult frattie if: You've secretly always wanted to do a keg stand.

Identifying characteristics: Plaid shirts and Bud Light

Celebrity sex icons: Ashton Kutcher, Cameron Diaz and Brett Favre

Turn-ons: Threesomes, strip clubs and anal sex

Career singles

These people may appear fun, even a little bit polished, but they reveal the chinks in their armor by telling the same self-glorifying stories over and over. Their expectations are either too high or too low, but mostly, one day in their lives is indistinguishable from the next.

Pluses: Offer friendship and their dating foibles provide endless entertainment

Minus: Undatable

You might be a career single if: You keep convincing your significant other that he or she shouldn't be in a relationship with you.

You might be a closet career single if: You keep telling yourself why your significant other is not right for you.

Haunts: Everywhere

Identifying characteristics: Gimmicky behavior and exes too numerous to count

Celebrity sex icons: George Clooney, Paula Abdul and Tom Cruise

Turn-on: Anybody who takes them seriously

Courtney Hambright's column appears every other week.