From the South Florida Sun-Sentinel

The fourth annual City Link Sex Quiz!

June 21 2006

Because we know that you learned nothing from our previous sex quizzes -- how else would you explain those bruises? -- we once again consulted our inner Dr. Kinsey to come up with some questions to help you discover the true nature of your sexual being. The results may astound or even frighten you, so you'll probably want to keep your final score to yourself. The City Link staff took the quiz, and some of us haven't been able to look one another in the eye ever since.

Good luck.

1. My first sexual experience took place:
A. in the back seat of a car.
B. in a movie theater.
C. in a dentist's office.
D. Section 213, Row H, Seat 24 at OzzFest.

2. When I'm feeling lonely, I:
A. curl up on the couch with a blanket and a pint of Ben and Jerry's.
B. call my favorite ex and beg him or her to take me back.
C. fake a stroke and call 911.
D. think of my married friends and laugh hysterically as my loneliness disappears.

3. (For men only) My best pickup line is:
A. "I could look at you till my eyes go blind."
B. "Men start wars over women like you."
C. "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
D. "It places the lotion in the basket!"

4. (For women only) My best pickup line is:
A. "You work out, don't you?"
B. "I bet you could kick Chuck Norris' ass."
C. "What kind of car do you drive?"
D. "Hello, I am a virgin, never want to get married and hate kids. I also like to fish."

5. (For men only) My current celebrity fantasy involves:
A. Scarlett Johansson doing Pilates in a bounce house.
B. Halle Berry wearing a cheerleader's uniform.
C. Natalie Portman helping me with my math homework.
D. Condoleezza Rice, a potato sack, jumper cables and a car battery.

6. (For women only) My current celebrity fantasy involves:
A. Johnny Depp doing pull-ups on a branch of a redwood tree.
B. Taye Diggs playing the ukulele.
C. Kiefer Sutherland kicking Hugh Jackman in the stomach.
D. Colin Farrell holding my hair as I puke into a toilet.

7. When it comes to foreplay, I prefer:
A. to be seduced with a quiet dinner and some soft music.
B. my partner to nibble on my ear.
C. to wait until SportsCenter is over.
D. to know where the emergency exits are located.

8. (For men only) I would allow my partner to cheat on me with:
A. Dane Cook.
B. George Clooney.
C. Peyton Manning.
D. Larry David.

9. (For women only) I would allow my partner to cheat on me with:
A. Barbara Bush.
B. Bea Arthur.
C. Cher.
D. Heath Ledger.

10. I would be willing to attempt the following sex act based on its name alone:
A. The labradoodle
B. The condo conversion
C. The blue tooth
D. The Defense of Marriage Act

11. I would also be willing to attempt:
A. the clawhammer.
B. the cone of probability.
C. the sad clown.
D. the Rip Hamilton.

12. Which of the following is the actual title of a sex guide?
A. Tap That Ass: America's Best Rappers Share Their Secrets to Great Sex
B. If the Glove Don't Fit, the Love Must Quit
C. Sex, Romance and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs To Know
D. Little House on the Prairie

13. Which of the following TV shows has the most unintentionally naughty title?
A. Everwood
B. Wife Swap
C. Bonds on Bonds
D. How I Met Your Mother

14. Before going out on a first date, I:
A. put on my sexiest outfit.
B. Google my date's name.
C. ask my dad if I can borrow his car.
D. pick up an extra shift at Wendy's.

15. I have fallen in love:
A. never.
B. once.
C. twice.
D. every time I've looked in a mirror.

16. (For men only) Someone could use the following movie quote to win me over:
A. "If it bleeds, we can kill it." -- Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator
B. "Do you know what the Lama says? 'Gunga galunga … gunga, gunga, galunga.' " -- Bill Murray in Caddyshack
C. "I know a taxidermy man back home. He gonna have a heart attack when he see what I brung him." -- Robert Shaw in Jaws
D. "There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now, I'm thinkin': It could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." -- Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction

17. (For women only) Someone could use the following movie quote to win me over:
A. "You complete me." -- Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire
B. "It's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again." -- Hugh Grant in Notting Hill
C. "Swoon, I'll catch you." -- Ralph Fiennes in The English Patient
D. "You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body." -- Chevy Chase in Caddyshack

18. My partner would be shocked to learn:
A. I have slept with only one other person.
B. I have slept with at least 20 people.
C. I have slept with so many people I've lost count.
D. I voted for George W. Bush -- twice.

19. I look at online porn:
A. never.
B. on occasion.
C. several times a day.
D. every day before I show up for work as the Mayor of Fort Lauderdale.

20. The secret to a lasting relationship is:
A. compromise.
B. being a good listener.
C. separate residences, preferably in different time zones.
D. a father-in-law with Mafia ties.

Answers: 1. C, 2. D, 3. A, 4. B, 5. B, 6. C, 7. A, 8. C, 9. D, 10. B, 11. C, 12. C, 13. A, 14. B, 15. B, 16. D, 17. B, 18. C, 19. B, 20. D

Count the number of questions you answered correctly and get your compatibility rating below:

0-6: You have dating potential.

7-13: You have marriage potential.

14-19: See you in divorce court.

20: Your doctor keeps a special supply of penicillin on hand just for you.