From the South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Five sex toys that must be invented now

Wait till the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office gets a load of these.

by Jake Smith

July 18 2007

1. Personal Computer Cock Drive

Scientific studies have revealed that 90 percent of male masturbation occurs in front of the personal computer. So why should a guy have to run off to the bathroom with a Kleenex in hand when it's time to blow a load? The USB-powered PCCD has made it so you don't have to go through a box of tissues after a good session. The PCCD is self-lubricating and self-cleaning. But its best feature is the variant drive that senses the tempo and pace of the onscreen action and adjusts its speed accordingly.

2. Guitar-powered Vibrator, a.k.a. the Electric Les Prick

Say you're Mr. Big-shot Rock Star, and too much blow and whiskey have rendered Little Lemmy useless. Well, from now on, you won't have to hang your head in shame every time two 18-year-old groupies leave your hotel room to find your band's straight-edged drummer. Plug in the Les Prick to the 9-inch vibrator, complete with guitar-pick-shaped clit stimulator and whammy-bar ass tickler, and let 'er rip. Your riffs will get her rocks off, and you will experience the most rewarding show of your life. For users who don't know how to rock, the product comes with a Guitar Hero adapter.

3. Female Stimulating Lube

It's the same old story: You climb aboard your girlfriend or wife -- both, if you're lucky -- and start pumping away. After about 30 seconds, you notice her look of absolute boredom right before you climax to the sound of disappointed sighs. This all-new mixture of ginko biloba, ginseng, Spanish fly and oysters is guaranteed to get her off before you do, mainly because its fierce female stimulant will also numb your junk into a chiseled chunk of driftwood.

4. Friend With Benefits Sex Doll

Sick and tired of those old-school sex dolls that just lie there like those chicks you conned into the sack back in high school? The biggest technological advancement in the past 20 years arrives in the form of the most amazing sex toy ever created. The Friend With Benefits Sex Doll comes complete with the standard sex-doll accouterments, such as a self-lubricating, self-cleaning vagina; realistic mouth; and always-tight back door. The doll also uses wireless technology to connect to a Mac or PC and translates instant messages and e-mails into spoken words in 10 different voices. The face is composed of 200 million pixels that mimic that of a preselected photo or current Webcam image. When bent over a table, the doll's back displays high-def video transmitted from the computer's hard drive.

5. iDong

While vibrators have always been personal -- and sometimes personalized -- they've never had their own personalities. The new iDong features 13 different personality types preprogrammed into a single vibrator. When set to "My Boyfriend's at Work," it features a recording of Johnny Depp whispering sweet nothings into your ear through attachable speakers. Set it on "One Night Stand," and the iDong will swell to twice its normal size. Before you have the chance for regret, the iDong will get up off the bed and hide itself away in a drawer. Better still: It won't even call you in the morning.