SouthFlorida.com | City Link Magazine

We know what you're thinking: "I just took one of these damn sex quizzes last week in O magazine." Well, let us assure you that everything you learned by taking that quiz was wrong and that our quiz is the only one you'll ever need (until we write another one next year, that is). Better yet, you will learn nothing about your sexual soul, capacity for love or romantic aptitude here. In fact, if you somehow learn anything by taking this quiz, then we have failed. This quiz exists only to confirm what you already know about yourself: Namely, that you are one sexy beast. From there, it's only a matter of degrees. Have fun.

1. Which of the following should you never scream during sex?
A. "Go, Seabiscuit, go!"
B. "What's your name again?"
C. "Luke, I am your father!"
D. "Seacrest out!"

2. My sexual preference is:
A. straight.
B. gay.
C. bi.
D. permeable.

3. Which of the following is not a known sex act?
A. The filibuster.
B. The red dwarf.
C. The wedding singer.
D. The lightning bug.

4. I have experimented with:
A. S&M.
B. partner-swapping.
C. sex toys.
D. religious fundamentalism.

5. My favorite mood music is:
A. "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears.
B. "Alone Again, Naturally" by Gilbert O'Sullivan.
C. "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" by Jack Johnson.
D. "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels.

6. With the right person, I might be encouraged to:
A. engage in a threesome.
B. get it on with a member of the same sex.
C. have sex with the lights on.
D. admit I watch According to Jim.

7. The following movie title best describes my performance in bed:
A. Sin City.
B. I, Robot.
C. Eat Drink Man Woman.
D. Sideways.

8. How can you tell if a gay man is a bear?
A. By his facial hair.
B. By his body type.
C. His boyfriend looks like Goldilocks.
D. He hibernates in the winter.

9. Which of the following is the actual title of a book promoting the virtues of abstinence?
A. Blue Is the Color of My Love.
B. Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity.
C. The Older the Cherry, the Sweeter the Juice.
D. The Loneliest Boner.

10. (For men only) My current celebrity fantasy involves:
A. Jessica Alba licking an ice-cream cone.
B. Angelina Jolie riding a mechanical bull.
C. Jessica Simpson reading aloud from The Sound and the Fury.
D. Paris Hilton listening to Jessica Simpson read aloud from The Sound and the Fury.

11. To me, romance is:
A. something to cherish.
B. dead.
C. expensive.
D. waiting for me behind a liquor store on Federal Highway.

12. (For women only) My current celebrity fantasy involves:
A. Brad Pitt working on a chain gang.
B. Jude Law trying to open a jar of pickles.
C. Tom Cruise jumping on a futon.
D. Russell Crowe fighting a monkey.

13. If my libido were a real-life professional wrestler, its name would be:
A. Hardcore Holly.
B. Sgt. Slaughter.
C. Fabulous Moolah.
D. Hillbilly Jim.

14. I can name all the original members of the Village People. I am:
A. gay.
B. straight, but I love weddings.
C. working on my tan.
D. the construction worker.

15. I plan to settle down and get married when:
A. I meet the right person.
B. I am financially and emotionally secure.
C. I have dated my way through the Internet.
D. Satan craps ice cubes.

16. When my date suggests going to see a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock, I say,
A. "The popcorn's on me."
B. "Nice knowing you."
C. "Wouldn't you rather see Jackass 2?"
D. "Sure, but first, let's go down to my basement."

17. A smoothie is:
A. a delicious, fruity beverage.
B. a straight man who waxes his private parts.
C. a big fan of The Food Network.
D. a man who was never taken fishing by his father.

18. Complete the following Missy Elliott lyric: "I've got a cute face/Chubby waist/Thick legs in shape … "
A. "Grab hold and eat some cake."
B. "Gonna mount you like Ricki Lake."
C. "I'm a meal you wanna taste."
D. "Rump shakin' both ways."

19. First lady Laura Bush has a late-night nickname for her husband. What is it?
A. The Commander-in-Briefs.
B. Hubya.
C. The Global Warmer.
D. The Oil Man.

20. President Bush has a late-night nickname for his wife. What is it?
A. The Naughty Librarian.
B. The Ballot Stuffer.
C. The Coccyx of Evil.
D. Saddam.

21. My favorite position is:
A. missionary.
B. doggy-style.
C. sidesaddle.
D. moderately conservative.

22. (For men only) I'm looking for a woman who:
A. wants me to take care of her.
B. wants to take care of me.
C. knows how to hold her liquor.
D. will pretend to like NASCAR.

23. (For women only) I'm looking for a man who:
A. can make me laugh.
B. loves his mother.
C. can name at least two of the last three presidents.
D. doesn't watch Bravo.

24. When I'm feeling sexy, I put on:
A. something soft and silky.
B. something that tears easily.
C. my old Olive Garden uniform.
D. whatever the cat hasn't pissed on.

25. (For men only) The older woman I'm most attracted to is:
A. Jerry Hall.
B. Pam Grier.
C. Julianne Moore.
D. Mrs. Butterworth.

26. (For women only) The older man I'm most attracted to is:
A. Sean Connery.
B. Paul Newman.
C. Billy Dee Williams.
D. Dick Cheney.

27. To get my partner in the mood, I put on some:
A. Luther Vandross.
B. Aqua Velva.
C. chaps.
D. high heels, lotion and a smile.

28. When engaging in cyber sex, it's proper etiquette to:
A. tell your partner you're hung like a polo pony.
B. apologize for the typos, because your large breasts prevent you from seeing the entire keyboard.
C. close the blinds.
D. wait for your co-workers to go to lunch.

29. I often get excited when I see:
A. someone smiling at me.
B. a beautiful person jogging.
C. nude sunbathers.
D. the fall TV schedule.

30. I define safe sex as:
A. making sure the parking brake is on.
B. when my lover's wife is out of town.
C. when my lover's husband benches less than I do.
D. when my co-workers have gone to lunch.

Answers: 1. B, 2. D, 3. A, 4. C, 5. C, 6. A, 7. A, 8. A, 9. B, 10. D, 11. C, 12. B, 13. C, 14. B, 15. B, 16. B, 17. B, 18. D, 19. A, 20. B, 21. B, 22. D, 23. C, 24. C, 25. A, 26. C, 27. B, 28. D, 29. B. 30. A.

So, how sexy are you? Count the number of questions you answered correctly and get your sexy-dead-pop-star rating below.

0-9: Notorious B.I.G./Janis Joplin
10-19: Kurt Cobain/Tammy Wynette
20-29: Jim Morrison/Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes
30: Rick James/Aaliyah