SouthFlorida.com | City Link Magazine

Sometimes, it takes a little more than determination to pull off an all-nighter. There are times when that 10-page paper flat out refuses to write itself and the due date is looming. Sure, Starbucks is an option, but it's only open so late. The biggest mistake rookies can make is to start guzzling the sickly sweet Red Bull. While it does give you wings, it certainly provides less of an energy boost than a cup o' Joe — surprisingly less. As the following nonscientific study proves — conducted over the course of two sleepless nights — some energy drinks can turn you into an over-the-counter speed freak who'll have that paper finished by sunrise, while others will leave you scrambling to find an alternate boost.

RATING SYSTEM

KICK

X — Slight bump

XX — Two lines

XXX — My God, it's filled with stars!

COST

$ — Pennies to $1

$$ — $1 to $1.50

$$$ — $2 and up

TASTE

0 — Cesspool

00 — Acid rain

000 — Sunshine

Coca-Cola

Rating: X, $, 000

Caffeine content: 45 mg per serving

The skinny: While Coke isn't the tastiest of fizzy beverages, it usually goes down smoother than the rest of the drinks on this list. It's also cost-effective and mixes well with vodka. But mixing the thick, corn-syrup-filled soda with vodka will null the effects of its small amount of caffeine.

Jolt Cola

Rating: X, $, 00

Caffeine content: 72 mg per serving

The skinny: Jolt Cola is legendary among computer programmers and other nerds. But those days are long gone, and those nerdy kids are now freebasing powdered Adderall. For those of us who can't afford illegal prescription speed, our money is better spent elsewhere, because Jolt now exists as a novelty drink only.

Red Bull

Rating: XX, $$$, 00

Caffeine content: 80 mg per serving

The skinny: It's hard to tell which moon of Jupiter on which Red Bull was created, but it grows on you after a while. Stick to the diet brand, because regular Red Bull will give you diabetes after the third sip. Actually, it's best to avoid the stuff altogether. The drink is pricey, low in quantity and even lower in kick. You could pull more of an energy rush from spotting a cockroach crawling on your kitchen counter.

Rock Star Zero Carb

Rating: XXX, $$$, 000

Caffeine content: 240 mg per serving

The skinny: The sheer bulk of a 16-ounce can of Rock Star is intimidating. But the taste, much like artificially flavored strawberry sugar, is surprisingly palatable. Drink half a can and your hands will begin to tremble. Finish one, and you'll find yourself telling stories to anyone mesmerized by your crazed, chemically altered stare.

Insert Name Here (originally Cocaine)

Rating: XXX, $$$, 00

Caffeine content: 280 mg per serving

The skinny: It's hard to believe so much caffeine could be crammed into such a tiny can. While it was probably a bad move to name this drink after an illicit substance, the FDA-ordered removal from store shelves and resulting press surely helped sales. This drink is so strong it will have you running your finger along the rim of the can and rubbing it on your gums. The taste is surprisingly mellow.

Coffee

Rating: XXX, $$, 000

Caffeine content: 200 to 400 mg per serving

The skinny: While you never quite know what you are going to get with a cup of coffee, a caffeinated cup provides more bang per buck than any energy drink on the market, including the beverage formerly known as Cocaine.

HONORABLE MENTION

No-Doz

Rating: XXX, $, N/A

Caffeine content: 200 mg per tablet

The skinny: If you break down the cost of each pill, No-Doz is the most cost-effective method of keeping your eye lids from falling down at 3 a.m. At 13 cents a pill, not even truck-stop coffee served in a Styrofoam cup can compete. Just pop two tablets and feel it work its magic up and down your spine.