SouthFlorida.com | City Link Magazine

We here at City Link expend considerable effort reporting on individuals whose behavior rises to a level of stupidity that leaves us slack-jawed, gobsmacked or doubled over with laughter -- in other words, jackasses, a species of which, as anyone who has spent time on I-95 or at Sawgrass Mills could tell you, South Florida has no shortage. So before we look ahead to a new year sure to be filled with rampant jackassery, we've assembled a few of our favorite jackasses of the past 12 months. Enjoy.

Jackass we'd like to hang with

Travis Tomasello gave little explanation when authorities found him drifting offshore unconscious and naked in the tuna tower of a stolen 50-foot Viking yacht that had disappeared from a marina in Palm Beach Gardens. The 26-year-old pirate allegedly also had a 12-gauge shotgun and a fistful of methadone pills up in the crow's-nest. The last thing Tomasello said he could remember was a friend had picked him up in the yacht to "go party."

Jackass family reunion

Richard John Harris and Arlenne Harris planned to collect their sibling, Stanley Harris, in style from the Everglades Correctional Institute by hiring a limo. But they reportedly started celebrating on the way to the South Miami lockup by lighting a joint. The limo driver informed his passengers of the company's no-smoking policy, but after Richard Harris got belligerent, the driver called the cops. Opening the limo door, a state trooper discovered Harris trying to stow his stash in a briefcase and his sister attempting to swallow pills. Brother Stanley had to find another ride home.

Jackasses on ice

When Clematis by Night held its holiday-lighting festivities in downtown West Palm Beach, the obligatory fake snow was of course present. All was going fine until a group of men in their 30s and 40s hijacked the snow machine and began a full-on snowball brawl. When other people attending the gathering started getting nailed, the police intervened, only to find themselves being pelted. Although one officer fought back with pepper spray, no one was injured. Then, officials hosed down the white stuff, and the fun was over � until next year, we hope.

Jackass business with jackass customers

In June, Palm Beach County Sheriff's detectives raided an unlicensed dental shop in Lake Worth specializing in gold grilles. Fronting as a jewelry store, the business left some clients with infected mouths after grille-fitters used dirty pliers and homemade dental tools. After word got out that the place was being shut down, several teenagers broke into the shop to grab grilles they'd already purchased. They were arrested but reportedly had the brightest smiles in lockup.

Cracker jackass

While real estate tycoon Ron Bergeron was driving a group of fellow millionaires around his private nature preserve in Hendry County, he spied a 7-foot alligator and proceeded to wrestle the creature, as he had promised his guests he would if they encountered one. The alligator, understandably spooked, dashed into the water and took Bergeron with it. It then chomped his hand and rolled him around in the water a few times before some of the other cash-chuckers managed to separate the two. "It's part of my Florida cracker culture," Bergeron later explained, adding that he often does this sort of thing.

Jackass dad

During a bike ride with his 10-year-old daughter, Meagan, Troy Stewart reportedly suggested they pedal up a Lantana bridge and jump into the Intracoastal Waterway below because he thought she was afraid of heights and wanted to help her confront that fear. "At first, he said, 'Do you want to do it or not?' " Meagan later told the Sun-Sentinel. "I thought, 'It's kind of high,' and then, he's like, 'Trust me.' " Holding hands, they jumped 15 feet � into 18 inches of water. The 31-year-old Stewart broke his leg. Meagan pedaled home to tell her mother.

Jackass love story

Although Derrick Tucker was serving time for grand theft auto, the geniuses at the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office allowed him to work for its motor pool, and he took off in a patrol car. After the 21-year-old made away with the brand-new Crown Victoria, another inmate ratted him out, claiming Tucker had been missing his girlfriend. Sure enough, Tucker had gone straight to her house, where he was apprehended.

Office jackass

In January, the intriguingly named Morning Star Vaber, who worked in the office of the Ocean Reef Club in Key Largo, allegedly tried to kill a co-worker with Visine. The 24-year-old poured the eye medication in a colleague's tea, hoping her intended victim would get "sick and die in diarrhea." Fortunately, another co-worker poured out the tea before anyone drank it. Vaber clearly is in tune with the dark side of the force.

Being John Malkovich jackass

Drunk and wearing a bathing suit, attorney Hal Lloyd Winter went to the roof of the Shore Club in Miami Beach and started making his way through the swanky hotel's ductwork before plunging 30 to 40 feet and becoming trapped. Word has it that following his rescue, Winter promptly filed a lawsuit against himself.

Jackass business move

The Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino didn't immediately pay up when Freddy Howard of Sunny Isles Beach was told he'd won nearly $260,000 in the Player's Club "Swipe and Win" game promotion. The screen flashed "winner," casino employees hugged him and Howard even got his photo taken with one of those huge checks before the casino claimed it was a computer glitch. The Hard Rock eventually gave in when Howard threatened to picket, but it was a PR nightmare. But then again, you don't get to buy the Hard Rock franchise for a billion dollars by just giving money to every Tom, Dick and Freddy.

Life imitating art jackasses

In January, movie tough guy Joe Pesci punched an overzealous fan in the face outside a Boca Raton Jamba Juice. Juan Montenegro, 24, claimed Pesci had assaulted him while he was trying to take the 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag star's photo. The Palm Beach County State Attorney's Office decided not to press charges against Pesci because it could not determine which man had prompted the altercation and because getting punched in the face by Joe Pesci is too cool to be a crime.

Jackass diva

Madonna, claiming air conditioning is hazardous to her singing voice, had the AC almost completely shut off during her concert at Miami's American Airlines Arena -- in July, no less. It was so hot fans were sweating through chrome brassieres. We couldn't confirm rumors that Madonna also had cinnamon-roasted pecans banned from the snack bar, claiming the smell interfered with her lip-synching.

Racist jackass

After publicly apologizing in May for "racially insensitive" comments -- like repeatedly using the N-word in reference to Miami-Dade County Public Schools Superintendent Rudy Crew -- state Rep. Ralph Arza, R-Hialeah, seemed to have dodged a political torpedo. A message left on state Rep. Gus Barreiro's voice mail proving his use of the racial slur had been erased, and Crew never personally heard him use it. But Arza, in fine jackass fashion, just couldn't let it lie. In October, he drunk-dialed Barreiro, R-Miami Beach, and let loose with a torrent of threats and obscenity on Barreiro's voice mail -- including the N-word. This time, Barreiro saved the message. Arza, who faces charges of witness-tampering and retaliation, blamed alcohol and anger-management issues and resigned, his jackass tail between his legs.

Driving while jackass

Driving a big, white Cadillac and yakking on her cell phone the entire time, 24-year-old Katie Lee Vest led police on an erratic low-speed chase. The pursuit began in Lantana, where Vest allegedly drove through fenced yards, causing one officer's Harley-Davidson to fall on him, and ended in Lake Worth when an officer rammed her off the road. The police found cocaine and drug paraphernalia in her car. When she finally got off the phone, Vest informed police she was pregnant.

Almost driving while jackass

Cooper City Commissioner Bartlett Roper was arrested for DUI after being found slumped at the wheel of his pickup truck catching a few z's while stopped in a turn lane on South Pine Island Road. The commish awoke when Davie paramedics knocked on his window. According to police, he smiled and flipped them the bird. After a recent scandal exposing Cooper City commissioners' eating and drinking on the taxpayers' tab, we're fairly certain at least Roper paid for his own jackass juice that night.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a jackass

In July, Bernard Morrison of West Palm Beach got quite a surprise when he stepped outside his house to clean his dogs' cage. "I was moving the cage when I saw a million bees up under there," he told WPTV-TV (Channel 5). "They were all over me." The bees sent Morrison packing and attacked his dogs, killing four of them and horribly wounding two puppies. Now, those insects are true jackasses, and you can tell 'em we said so.

Principal jackass

Park Springs Elementary Principal Camille Pontillo barred student Molly Shoul from singing Pink's "Dear Mr. President" at the school's talent show. Pontillo reportedly told the 10-year-old girl's mother, Nancy Shoul, that she objected to the song, which openly criticizes President Bush, because it "is a political song and does use the word hell in it." The mother fought Pontillo's decision, and her daughter reportedly threatened to try out for next year's show with Jet's "Cold Hard Bitch."

Best motivational jackass

On the eve of the Miami Dolphins' Nov. 5 game against the undefeated Chicago Bears, former Dolphin Bob Kuechenberg -- a member of the undefeated 1972 team -- went on a tirade and told The Chicago Tribune, "I do not believe in this Dolphin team. They do not have a soul." The quote outraged team leaders Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas, and the 1-6 Dolphins proceeded to beat the Bears 31-13 and then go on a four-game winning streak. Way to go, Kooch!

Major-league jackasses

Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria couldn't wait to fire manager Joe Girardi at the end of the 2006 season. The Baseball Writers Association of America couldn't wait to name Girardi National League Manager of the Year. That puts him in company with Dusty Baker as one of only a handful of managers to win the award for his debut season. Loria and Marlins General Manager Larry Beinfest stand by their decision to replace Girardi with Fredi Gonzalez, but time will tell if it's the jackass franchise move of only the year or of the decade.

Jackass brawl

With nine minutes to go in the third quarter of the first matchup between the University of Miami and Florida International University football teams, all hell broke loose at the Orange Bowl. In front of 51,000 fans, dozens of players turned the field into a bloody scene out of Braveheart. Players were ejected and suspensions were later handed down. The Hurricanes may have won the football game 35-0, but the real battle was a draw. With any luck, the rematch won't be available only on pay-per-view.

Jackass event

On March 25, the sixth-annual Jazz and Blues Festival in Riviera Beach ended with the legendary Patti LaBelle nearly freezing to death and claiming, "This sucks. It's the worst show I've ever done in my life." Due to delays, Lady Marmalade had to take the stage at the outdoor festival after midnight in 50-degree weather. LaBelle, who suffers from diabetes and a heart murmur, could barely function, and she described the chilled audience huddled around heat lamps as looking like "Katrina victims." The fallout included the mayor's blaming officials for the mistreatment of LaBelle and the resignation of the city's events coordinator.

Jackass celebrity duo

From dining at Nobu to showing up at a Nicole Miller fashion show, Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong this past summer romped around South Beach and developed what became known as a "bromance." Causing chaos wherever they showed up, the duo even went threesome for a while when they brought Jake Gyllenhaal into the mix for the full Brokeback effect. Describing their fling in Details magazine, McConaughey said, "We tried [being gay]. It wasn't for us." These jackasses dumped Pen�lope Cruz and Sheryl Crow for this?

Holy-rolling jackasses

Two Delray Beach Roman Catholic priests were charged with using more than $8 million of parishioners' money to gamble, carouse and travel with their girlfriends. While the Rev. John A. Skehan and the Rev. Francis B. Guinan were known to love casinos and pricey hotels, they didn't just piss all that money away. Some of it reportedly went to real estate investments and to school tuition for a girlfriend's son. The kicker: Guinan received special resort rates for being a high roller.

Drunk-and-disorderly jackass

Miami City Commissioner Johnny Winton learned the hard way that it's never a bright idea to tell police officers to go fuck themselves before kicking one of them in the nuts. Winton had allegedly been getting tanked at a Miami International Airport bar and acting belligerently toward American Airlines personnel. After being handcuffed by police, Winton lashed out, causing one officer to chip a tooth and kicking another in the groin. Winton later slipped, slamming his face into an elevator wall. And then, it was off to jail.

The jackasses who couldn't shoot straight

Whether you believe the feds overreacted or were just being cautious, nearly everyone can agree that the radicals busted at a Liberty City warehouse this summer were, indeed, of the genus Jackassus supremus. The seven men wore black clothing and combat boots, engaged in martial arts training � and allegedly plotted to blow up FBI buildings in Miami and the Sears Tower in Chicago. An informant helped build the government's case, but even U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez conceded they posed "no immediate threat," unless they'd found a way to detonate pizza crusts and packing peanuts.