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January

Vanilla Ice has to cancel promotional appearances for VH1's Surreal Life reality show after being scratched by his sparring partner, a wallaroo named Bucky.

Super Size Me debuts at the Sundance Film Festival. In it, documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock eats only McDonald's for 30 days. He gains 25 pounds, and his cholesterol rises from 160 to 230. Frightened consumers switch to Taco Bell.

A gang of green monkeys at Airport Hertz Rent-a-Car in Dania Beach begins throwing mango pits at people, using trash can lids as cymbals, climbing into and messing up newly washed vehicles and jumping trampoline-style on their roofs.

With the help of Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson reveals her pierced breast at the Super Bowl, simultaneously causing a national decency uproar and a TiVo rewind record.

Mark Roberts is arrested for criminal trespassing for racing onto the field during the Super Bowl wearing only a thong. No one wanted to tackle him.

Michigan quarter is released. It's awesome.

After a 10-6 season, H. Wayne Huizenga strips Miami Dolphins head coach Dave Wannstedt of his personnel power. Dan Marino joins team as senior vice president of football operations and says he's thrilled to have a chance still to win a Super Bowl, even if it's from behind a desk.

Ashley Judd needs to make a good movie.

During Iowa presidential primary, Democratic candidate Howard Dean let's out primal scream, showing hint of real emotion and passion. Democrats drop him immediately.

Britney Spears marries childhood friend Jason Alexander in Las Vegas. The bride wears jeans and a baseball cap.

Britney Spears annuls new marriage after 55 hours, which seems about right.

February

Fort Lauderdale-based TV producer Sula Miller wants to use Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" in a hemorrhoid commercial, but the late music icon's family declines. "We would never allow the song to be demeaned like that," Cash's daughter Roseanne responds. "The song is about the transformative power of love, and that's what it has always meant to me, and that's what it will always mean to the Cash children." Yeah, but it's funny.

Due to Super Bowl fiasco, Janet Jackson is banned from this year's Grammy Awards.

Davie clothing-store owners notice hip-hoppers have suddenly taken a liking to giant cowboy buckles. The store manager at TeePee Western Wear says, "It was usually skinny white guys. Now, I'm seeing the younger black guys, and they go for the bigger buckles."

Britney Spears goes on a do-rag shopping spree in Santa Monica, Calif.

Dan Marino resigns from Dolphins' front office. It's not for him.

Miami Dolphins give up a second-round draft pick and a $3 million signing bonus to acquire quarterback A.J. Feeley, whose only NFL experience was starting five games in 2002.

The Passion of the Christ is released. Viewers are so shocked by the beating Jesus takes that they go back to see the movie three and four times.

Barbie officially dumps Ken.

Bowing to pressure, Justin Timberlake says he will apologize for the Super Bowl mishap if he is allowed to attend the Grammy Awards ceremony. Headline reads: "White boy sells out Janet."

Pluto is run over and killed in the Share a Dream Come True Magic Kingdom parade at Disney World.

Beatings and whippings begin to erupt outside theaters after showings of The Passion of the Christ. Theater owners say they haven't had this much trouble since New Jack City was released in 1991.

Daniel Robinson of Boynton Beach, whose license was suspended after two DUI convictions, becomes the first person arrested in South Florida for driving drunk on a motorized scooter.

A 15-year-old toothless Chihuahua named Slurpy is found wandering the streets of South Florida. Pet rescuers begin a campaign to find him a new home.

March

Florida quarter is released. It's awesome.

Churches and religious schools start renting out theaters for group screenings of The Passion of the Christ. Many patrons show up dressed like their favorite apostle.

Howard Stern wants to oust President Bush from office and organize an FCC protest. He starts a rumor of a Million Moron March.

McDonald's calls Super Size Me "a supersized distortion of the quality, choice and variety available at McDonald's." It says the film is not about McDonald's but about Spurlock's decision to act irresponsibly.

The White Stripes' Jack White pleads guilty to beating the living shit out of Von Bondies lead singer Jason Stollsteimer.

Two students at St. Immaculate Academy in Pompano Beach are suspended for making out during The Passion of the Christ.

The Miami Dolphins make little attempt to re-sign their best lineman, Todd Wade. He heads to Houston.

McDonald's announces it's phasing out supersizing. Company reps say the decision has "nothing whatsoever" to do with Super Size Me.

Explaining why he founded the Punkvoter coalition against President George W. Bush, Fat Mike of NOFX says, "I've probably sold 50,000 records in Florida. If 500 of those fans had voted in 2000, it would have been a different election."

Fort Lauderdale's Jungle Queen offers a patrons a choice of entertainment following the barbecue buffet on its private Island: alligator wrestling or The Passion of the Christ.

Pembroke Pines police arrest Miami Dolphins linebacker Eddie Moore for disorderly conduct after a fight at nightclub. Police say Moore was knocked out during the fight.

P. Diddy, DMX and Ja Rule, all property owners in the Miami area, learn that the Miami Police Department has been conducting surveillance on them. Miami Police say it's for the rappers' own protection. "I'd be a fool to think they're looking out for me," 50 Cent says. "The police show up after someone is dead. Hell, I watch Law and Order."

April

Prince is back. He's still a tiny fella with tons of energy.

West Palm Beach decides to make some extra money by charging jaywalking clubgoers $26 if they're caught crossing Clematis Street.

Verizon Wireless begins offering text messaging from the Pope himself. All subscribers have to do is type, "POPE ON."

Chrysler's chunky 300 hits the streets. One with 22-inch rims shows up in 50 Cent's "Poppin' Them Thangs" video. Snoop Dogg orders a dozen.

Paparazzi release photo of Britney Spears walking into and out of gas station restrooms BAREFOOT!

Facing FCC fines, Clear Channel Communications drops Howard Stern from 18 stations, including those in South Florida. "It is pretty shocking that governmental interference into our rights and free speech takes place in the U.S.," Stern announces, before farting into the microphone.

Beetlejuice takes Clear Channel decision hard. He copes by getting drunk and beating the shit out of anyone who looks at him cross-eyed.

Seventeen-year-old Carlos Chereza of Fort Myers hires an undercover cop to whack his mother. Along with a map of the home, Chereza gives the cop specific instructions not to let anything happen to the TV.

We hate Michael McDonald.

A 16-year-old Palestinian boy with a bomb strapped to his back reaches an Israeli checkpoint but doesn't ignite the device. "I changed my mind," he says.

Orange County Sheriff's deputies arrest Michael C. Chartrand, a Walt Disney World employee who plays Tigger, on charges of fondling a 13-year-old girl and her mother as they posed for a photo. Disney says it takes accusations like this very seriously.

Lawrence S. Miller, a math teacher at Spanish River High School in Boca Raton, is charged with possession of LSD, ecstasy, GHB and crystal meth as he is boarding a plane to New York. He says he's ashamed that he was dumb enough to get caught.

Janet Jackson does stellar imitation of Condoleezza Rice on Saturday Night Live. Vice President Dick Cheney later asks Rice to "flash a boob."

A 23-year-old man spots Richard Simmons on a plane and says, "Hey everybody, it's Richard Simmons; let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s." Simmons smacks him in the face. The victim decides to fly to the Czech Republic instead, saying if his father finds out he got beat up by Richard Simmons, he will not be permitted back into New Jersey.

May

Rapper Ice-T produces Baywatch icon David Hasselhoff's first hip-hop album. "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff -- I promise you," Ice-T says. "The Hoff will surprise people."

After running up a hefty bar tab at the ritzy Boca Raton Resort and Club, Henry Farrell arouses the suspicion of a bartender. Farrell says he has to use the restroom, then runs out and dives into the Intracoastal, where police later arrest him. Turns out, he has been arrested 163 times since 1983, most often for bolting on bar tabs.

Dawn of the Dead unseats The Passion of the Christ as the No. 1 movie. Jon Stewart says, "The only way to defeat one person rising from the grave is with lots of people rising from the grave."

Foreigners go crazy for Michael Moore's anti-Bush remarks at the Cannes Film Festival, but he is overshadowed by John Kerry's daughter Alex, who shows up on the red carpet in a see-through dress.

News leaks that Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams has tested positive for marijuana and the league is fining him four weeks' pay, which is the equivalent of 17 bales of krypie.

Avril Lavigne blames her angry lyrics on her diet. "I was eating bad stuff," she says.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is released. It's directed by the same man who brought us the sexy Mexican drama Y Tu Mam� Tambi�n, which explains why Harry gets laid twice during the opening credits.

Major League Baseball announces and then retracts a plan to put advertisements promoting Spider-Man 2 on bases.

For people tired of getting messages from the Pope, Verizon Wireless allows consumers to discontinue the service by typing, "POPE OFF."

South Florida's first adult kickball league forms.

Pfc. Lynndie England becomes the anti-Jessica Lynch after pictures are released showing her at Abu Ghraib prison leading naked prisoners around on leashes. Before joining the reserves, the West Virginia girl's dream was to become a storm-chasing meteorologist.

Friends goes off the air two years after it should have.

In ads for the film Troy, Brad Pitt looks like a female stripper hired for a toga party.

The Sopranos' Silvio whacks Adriana.

June

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie return with The Simple Life 2.

While accepting a leadership award, Miami Dolphins linebacker Junior Seau describes the closeness of his teammates by saying, "I would say 'love,' and everybody would say, 'You're a faggot.' But I'm not."

Texas quarter is released. It's awesome.

Britney's knee buckles during video shoot. She goes for emergency surgery, but doctor refuses to operate on her leg because he has seen photos of her walking BAREFOOT! into gas station restrooms.

The USDA declares batter-coated French fries a fresh vegetable.

The MTV Movie Awards are the first big entertainment event since Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction. Critics claim the show is too tame. The dirtiest word uttered is teat.

Backstage at an awards ceremony, Toby Keith asks Brad Pitt out on a date. He says it's every man's wish.

O.J. Simpson takes his kids out to dinner at a "Benihana-type place" to celebrate their deceased mother's 45th birthday.

Junior Seau apologizes for insensitive remarks toward gays and becomes the first employee of any organization to admit, "I need sensitivity training."

Two days before her 18th birthday, Mary-Kate Olsen is checked into a rehab center for anorexia.

Two million girls vote on Web site for Barbie's new crush to be Blaine the Aussie Surfer.

Britney gets engaged to dancer Kevin Federline, who already has two children with another woman.

While working on her new solo dance album, No Doubt's Gwen Stefani says, "If you're not Prince, you're never going to sound like Prince. Especially if you're a white girl from Orange County."

Madonna changes her name to Esther.

Pamela Anderson adopts U.S. Olympic gymnast Mohini Bhardwaj by paying all her expenses. The former Baywatch star shows up at California trials in tight "Go Mo!" T-shirt. She says that she once wanted to join Cirque du Soleil and that as a teenager she was called "Rubber Band." Now, that's hot.

Rumors begin that Mary-Kate is suffering not from anorexia but cocaine addiction.

Police arrest Miami Dolphins tight end Randy McMichael after he gets into a fight with his pregnant wife. The team's dramatic summer is only just beginning.

July

Vice President Dick Cheney tells Sen. Patrick Leahy, "Go fuck yourself."

Fahrenheit 9/11 is released and sells out theaters everywhere. It's soon on course to break the $100 million mark.

Michael Moore buys a new hat.

Test pilot Mike Melville becomes the first human to enter space in a privately funded aircraft. Upon completing his mission, he says, "Yeeeeee-haaah!"

A 600-pound Bengal tiger named Bobo escapes from former B-movie Tarzan Steve Sipek's house in Loxahatchee.

Ali G visits South Beach and asks Nerve club manager, "What do you do in the unfortunate situation that a person in a wheelchair tries to enter: Ignore them or wheel them away?" Without hesitation, the manager says, "Ignore them."

Wildlife officials spot Bobo the tiger lurking in the woods but can't lure him out into the open. A local resident, Linda Meredith, packs a live, pink Yorkshire pig named Baby in the trunk of her Cadillac and drives over to Tarzan's neighborhood to use it as bait. She encourages Palm Beach County Sheriff's officers to hold Baby by its hind legs or twist its ears to make the piglet squeal and attract Bobo.

Calling Dave Wannstedt from overseas, Ricky Williams quits days before training camp is set to begin. Asked what he'll do, Williams says, "I'm halfway intelligent. I'll figure something out."

Reports surface that Mary-Kate Olsen is actually suffering from Oshkoshb'gosh Syndrome.

P. Diddy launches his "Vote or Die" campaign. He tells reporters the campaign's original name, "Vote or I'll Get Back With J.Lo," was deemed "too threatening" by focus groups.

Cameron Diaz uses up all the goodwill she gained from shaking her booty on film by "seriously" dating Justin Timberlake.

Bobo the tiger is still on the loose, but animal care officials are more up in arms about the fact that Linda Meredith kept a pig in her trunk in 90 degree heat. Meredith makes "oh, please" face and says her Caddy's trunk is air-conditioned. Plus, she was going to eat the pig anyway. "I can't believe they have the gall. I was just trying to help the tiger find his way back home."

Trick Daddy announces on MTV that Ricky Williams and Lenny Kravitz are now a couple and living together outside the country. Williams says he just digs Kravitz's music.

John Kerry picks running mate John Edwards. He says the campaign's new motto is: "We've Got Better Hair."

The Miami Heat throws a wild, red-carpeted welcome for Shaquille O'Neal. In a very Pope-like move, Shaq rolls up to the American Airlines Arena in a tractor-trailer with the words Diesel Power and his own visage emblazoned on the side. The crowd goes ape-shit. Shaq says the reaction from the crowd is not due to his basketball prowess. Rather, "It's just because I'm sexy."

Howard Stern returns to South Florida airwaves on Infinity Broadcasting stations in West Palm Beach and Miami. Beetlejuice celebrates by getting drunk and beating the shit out of anyone who looks at him cross-eyed.

Linda Meredith is officially charged with animal cruelty for trying to use Baby the pig as bait for Bobo the tiger.

John Edwards hurts Democratic ticket when, on Larry King Live, he mentions that as a girl, he had dreamed of one day joining Cirque du Soleil.

LeAnn Rimes looks really hot all of a sudden.

August

Yellow-banded, wet-weather-loving millipedes swarm into Miami-Dade County, emerging in homes, in bedclothes, on walls and on floors. People begin sweeping them up into buckets like KFC popcorn chicken.

Ricky Williams bows out of a pingpong tournament with a group of Trustafarians. "I don't compete at anything anymore, except cards," he claims.

MTV Video Music Awards are held for first time in Miami. Stars, who are asked to show up by boat, try to outdo one another by coming up with the biggest yacht. Beastie Boys show up in an airboat.

Everyone at VMAs complains that Miami is really hot in August. "And the goddamn millipedes," P. Diddy says.

Ricky Williams is bitten by a centipede in Fiji and left limping for weeks.

U.S. Army investigator working on Abu Ghraib prison scandal says photos of naked Iraqi prisoners were taken "just for fun" and soldiers were just "kind of venting their frustration."

The Tigger trial is under way. The jury studies many intricacies of Tigger costume. The defense argues that it's hard to feel someone up while in costume since the paws are like "oven mitts." "This defendant knew where his paws were," the prosecutor insists.

Following MTV Video Music Awards, cops pepper-spray crowd at Lil Jon and Fat Joe's party at Opium. The fumes waft over to Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's party at Priv�, gassing the newlyweds out.

A black bear at a park in Washington passes out after busting into campers' coolers and drinking 36 beers. The crime scene reveals that he tried Busch beer but spit it out, preferring Rainier beer.

Iowa quarter is released. It's awesome.

Tour bus of eco-minded musicmaker Dave Matthews drops 800 pounds of human waste into Chicago River, dousing 120 patrons on a tour boat.

Hurricane Charley, with 145 mph winds, is heading for Tampa. Good for them.

Hung-over bear flees when rangers wake his ass up.

U.S. Olympic basketball dream team turns into nightmare. But how did it lose to Puerto Rico? Isn't that part of the United States?

Hurricane Charley veers off into Port Charlotte and tears diagonally across the peninsula, grinding up small towns like Lake Wales and Winter Haven. It could have been worse.

Michael Chartrand is acquitted of being the fondling Tigger. He's reinstated to his full-time position at Disney World and wants to continue playing a character. It's unclear if he will return as Tigger.

Miami rapper Pitbull releases M.I.A.M.I., his debut on TVT Records that includes the crunky radio hit "Culo." Pitbull says: "I don't hesitate to lower myself to get on the radio. I know 'Culo' is stupid."

On a beach in Australia, Ricky Williams spots an old white guy wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt. He yells, "Respect!" and decides the man is his spiritual leader. The man's name is Steven.

Wildlife agents set trap for drinking bear. Bait includes doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier beer. It works.

Paris Hilton reports her dog Tinkerbell missing. The dog was last seen wearing a pink coat with a fox-fur collar, white lace panties and pink sneakers.

To combat Republican campaign efforts, the Vote for Change concert tour is announced. Audioslave guitarist Tom Morello says, "I will put System of a Down, Audioslave and [Bruce] Springsteen against Lynyrd Skynyrd, ZZ Top and Kid Rock any day. Let the people decide."

Hurricane Frances is headed toward South Florida. We're not scared, because no hurricane has hit Broward or Palm Beach counties in 25 years. Decide to buy a couple of gallons of water and stop by Yankee Candle store but leave without purchasing a thing.

The homeless, toothless Chihuahua named Slurpy claims his real name is Tinkerbell and demands to be flown home to Bel Air immediately.

A Molson USA beer campaign created by a Miami agency is criticized for allegedly encouraging men to download phony business cards, wallet photos of grandmas and blood-donor stickers to trick women into having sex with them.

Drea de Matteo gets nominated for an Emmy for her portrayal of the now-whacked Adriana on The Sopranos. Rumors begin that the character may not be dead, since she was killed off camera. Head writer says, "She's dead."

Steven tells Ricky Williams it's a good thing he quit football, because sports are evil and all the players' time would be better spent gardening.

Wildlife agents set trap for Tinkerbell. Bait includes Godiva chocolates, petit fours and Cristal. It works.

SEPTEMBER

Jennifer Garner destroys all the goodwill she built up with 13 Going on 30 by dating Ben Affleck.

Matt Damon doesn't quite admit that he's gay but says he wants Ben back.

Hurricane Frances stalls offshore. It morphs from a buzz saw into a lumbering mass of treacherous wind, then attacks Port St. Lucie. (That's where the New York Mets spring training camp is based and houses are cheaper.)

The Bush twins are photographed hanging out with Lynyrd Skynyrd.

On the same day Frances pounds Florida, a hurricane named Ivan levels every structure on the island of Grenada. People are in shock. Who knew Grenada had structures?

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's company issues a cease-and-desist order to Gary Cohen, owner of www.tshirthell.com, over a T-shirt that reads, "I fucked the Olsen twins before they were famous."

Vote for Change tour dates are announced. Kissimmee gets Pearl Jam and Death Cab for Cutie. We get John Mellencamp and Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds.

Britney Spears marries dancer Kevin Federline in the garden of the tailor who made Federline's tuxedo. The rest of the wedding party wears Juicy sweats.

Heading straight up through the Gulf of Mexico, Hurricane Ivan hits the Alabama-Florida border.

After sharing a fully loaded bong with Ricky Williams and friends, spiritual leader Steven bids everyone goodnight by saying, "Well gentlemen, fly high and don't worry about the turkeys."

Florida has now been struck by three hurricanes in 23 days, which hasn't happened since the start of the 20th century. Pat Robertson predicts the end of the world or, at the very least, a merger between Kmart and Sears.

Britney posts note on her Web site that reads, "The one thing I haven't done is experience the closest thing to God, and that's having a baby. I can't wait!"

Drea de Matteo wins Emmy Award and delivers best speech of the night: "There's so many people that are responsible for this, but if I even try to thank any of them right now, I might puke, choke, cry or die, and you've all already seen me do that."

A hurricane named Jeanne slams into Haiti, then weakens through the Bahamas. Its threat to Florida is apparently over.

The Miami Dolphins are 0-3.

Now dressed as Goofy, former Tigger the accused molester Michael Chartrand is accused of shoving two photographers at Disney's Animal Kingdom. His lawyer claims he was just "goofing around." He also mentions that Chartrand was born in England. That explains everything.

Hurricane Jeanne is first headed for Palm Beach County, then nearly duplicates Frances' path. Bad news: Treasure Coast devastated. Good news: Houses in Port St. Lucie are even cheaper now.

Scientists question why so many storms hit Florida. Experts claim it was the Bermuda High. Ricky Williams agrees.

October

Wisconsin quarter is released. It's awesome.

Jay-Z and R. Kelly announce they will tour together. The "Best of Both Worlds" alliance looks to be one of the highlights of the fall concert lineup and is headed for the Office Depot Center.

Howard Stern decides to leave commercial radio in 2006 when his contract expires. Then, he signs a $100 million deal with Sirius satellite radio. Beetlejuice asks, "What the hell is Sirius?"

Jay-Z and R. Kelly's tour is canceled when the latter walks offstage during a show in New York, claiming he saw a couple of ladies waving pistols. To calm him down, Jay-Z's crew pepper-sprays him.

Osama bin Laden chimes in on the U.S. presidential election with a videotape assuring citizens of individual states that he won't blow them up if they vote for John Kerry, saying it's in "our hands." That sounds fair.

A Marine recruit in Lake Worth beats and threatens his girlfriend because she wanted to vote for Kerry. Police have to Taser him. Girlfriend says, "He's crazy about Bush."

Every magazine in America tells us how great Jamie Foxx is in Ray.

John Mellencamp calls off the Vote for Change concert in Miami he was to play with Babyface. He says they shouldn't be trying to raise money for politics in a state that has been devastated by hurricanes. Thank God for the hurricanes.

Keith Richards is rumored to play Capt. Jack Sparrow's father in the Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Treasures of the Lost Abyss. The role will require only four days of shooting -- and 17 days of drinking.

The creators of South Park force puppets to have sex on the set of their new film, Team America: World Police.

Trick Daddy's new CD is titled Thug Matrimony, distinguishing it from his previous albums Thugs Are Us, Thug Holiday, www.thug.com and Book of Thugs.

Bush loses 3-0 in the debates but wins the "who would you rather have a beer with?" poll, even though he's a recovering alcoholic.

Chris Rock is named as host of upcoming Academy Awards. For the first time in the Academy's history, all the biggest stars have asked for seats in the back � in the dark � behind a pole.

Tom Cruise sees advance screening of Ray, calls Jamie Foxx at home immediately afterward and says, "Jamie Foxx, you motherfucker."

Jon Stewart appears on Crossfire and calls co-host Tucker Carlson a dick. In hindsight, Stewart wishes he had called him a "bow-tie-wearing dick" because "the mental image is funnier."

R. Kelly sues Jay-Z for $75 million for sabotaging their tour. Jay-Z claims it's a jealousy issue. "If people give me love, he can't take it," he says.

Puppet sex is cut from Team America to avoid NC-17 rating.

In final presidential debate, Kerry says, "Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country." Kerry doesn't mention if Adriana might still be alive.

Dick Cheney's daughter is still gay.

Ashlee Simpson is ostracized for lip-synching on Saturday Night Live. She initially blames the band for playing the wrong song. Later, she singles out the drummer for not switching on the right "guiding track."

Ray opens in theaters nationwide. It's OK.

After sleeping on it, Ashlee Simpson "superofficially" blames the lip-synching incident on fatigue.

National Hockey League lockout cancels hockey throughout the land.

Last year, the most in-demand Halloween item was a soldier uniform. This year: Trump hair.

Ashlee Simpson announces on the American Music Awards that the real reason she messed up on Saturday Night Live was because of acid reflux. End of story.

The Miami Dolphins are 0-6.

November

President Bush convinces half of America that God is one of his hunting buddies. Wins election.

In conceding the election, Kerry first blames Alex's dress for the loss. He then blames it on John Edwards' hair. Eventually, he admits he lost because of acid reflux disease.

In the wake of the election, Michael Moore posts "17 Reasons Not To Slit Your Wrists" on his Web site. A couple of them are redundant. He couldn't actually come up with 17.

Houses with hurricane-damaged roofs covered by blue tarps are now being called IHOPs. As in, "My roof was a sieve. I had to IHOP the place."

Diana Duyser of Hollywood decides to sell on eBay a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich she claims bears the image of the Virgin Mary.

Osama bin Laden releases exercise videotape of him and several cronies. Their turbans fall askew during leg kicks.

A goat and a wallaroo (a cross between a kangaroo and a wallaby) are found roaming around Port St. Lucie, and animal control officers are swamped with calls saying the odd pair belongs to Vanilla Ice, a.k.a. Robert Van Winkle.

Dave Wannstedt resigns as the Miami Dolphins' head coach. He first blames Ricky Williams for the team's losing season, then blames kicker Olindo Mare before backtracking and admitting the team's problems are due to acid reflux disease.

Vanilla Ice's agent admits that the former rapper does own a kangaroo named Bucky Buckaroo and a goat (whose name is not released) but could not verify if the animals were missing from the Ice Man's home.

Legitimate bidding for the holy grilled cheese sandwich reaches $22,000.

Stabbing breaks out at taping of Vibe Music Awards just before Dr. Dre is to receive a lifetime achievement award. Bad news: Presenter Snoop Dogg had to wait in the wings until the melee was settled, delaying his partying another 12 minutes. Good news: After the incident, Alicia Keys refused to perform.

Osama bin Laden drives pace car at NASCAR 400 in Homestead. Fans boo him for being too cautious on the turns.

The Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich is pulled from eBay. The auctions company claims it won't carry joke items, though it continues to sell Tupperware containers filled with hurricane air.

The goat's name is released. It's Steven.

Publicity over stabbing at Vibe Awards lights up interest in event. UPN's broadcast scores a double-digit improvement in all key demos over last year's inaugural ceremony.

Vanilla Ice is reunited with Bucky Buckaroo. They immediately get a room. The goat just watches.

The second season of The OC debuts and immediately jumps the shark when Seth gets a job at The Bait Shop, which is lamely reminiscent of Beverly Hills 90210's Peach Pit.

For some reason, Elton John ends up on the cover of every magazine in America. No one can explain why.

We take back our criticism of The OC's new season due to the fact that the manager of The Bait Shop is really hot. Plus, The Killers play there.

The Virgin Mary grilled cheese is allowed back on eBay. The company admits it may have been too hasty in its previous decision, especially since the sandwich has no mold.

Indiana Pacers star Ron Artest asks coach for a month off because he's tired from working on his rap album. The coach benches him for a few games, explaining that even asking this question is an insult to the team's integrity.

The moral majority gets all bent out of shape over a Monday Night Football promo in which Desperate Housewives' Nicolette Sheridan gets naked and jumps into the arms of NFL star Terrell Owens. The FCC is flabbergasted. The rest of us just wish the clip had featured Eva Longoria instead of Sheridan.

Ron Artest gets his wish for time off after he charges into the stands at a game in Detroit and attacks a fan. The NBA suspends him for a year.

The Miami Dolphins are 2-9.

The Virgin Mary grilled cheese fetches $28,000. GoldenPalace.com is the top bidder. "I'm numb right now," sandwich owner Diana Duyser says. "I can't comprehend that this all is happening." She's not the only one.

Ron Artest gets street cred for melee. It's not the same as getting shot nine times, but it's something.

GoldenPalace.com says food decay specialist will be called in to see if sandwich is really 10 years old. But even if it's only found to be 10 weeks old, officials at GoldenPalace say, "It's still a magical sandwich."

Ricky Williams decides he wants to come back to the NFL. He is expected to work out a deal with the league whereby he is suspended for four games at the start of next season and then is free to play. Former Ricky-hating linebacker Zach Thomas says he'd definitely welcome him back because, "I can't take any more of these losing seasons like this."

GoldenPalace.com decides it wants to send the grilled cheese and Duyser on a world tour. The company thinks its customers around the world will get a kick out of seeing the sandwich at the Taj Mahal, in Red Square and at the Eiffel Tower. "I've never been on a vacation before," says Duyser, who was raised in Hollywood.

Ricky Williams' mother announces that he is now taking holistic medical classes at the California College of Ayurveda in Grass Valley. Grass Valley? Is he too muckin' fuch or what?

Kmart and Sears merge.

A man who has been arrested for stalking Sheryl Crow calls himself her spiritual twin. His name is Steven.

Kids who sang on Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" demand retroactive royalties or, at the very least, "more soup, please."

Hurricane season ends.

December

Someone notices that nobody is playing hockey.

Gwen Stefani's new solo dance album is out. It sounds like a white girl from Orange County trying to sound like Prince.

A dozen former members of the armed forces file a lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. But don't tell anybody.

Ashley Judd needs to make a good movie.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are being called out for not ensuring that Bangladeshi women working on their Wal-Mart clothing line are getting proper benefits. Gary Cohen, owner of www.tshirthell.com and maker of the T-shirt that reads, "I fucked the Olsen twins before they were famous," says the women at his factory make $18 an hour and get full benefits, including a fridge always stocked with Snickers and Mountain Dew. Plus, he takes all his employees to The Olive Garden on Thursdays.

What's with Shaq? He's scoring