From the South Florida Sun-Sentinel

The Lesters

Our movie critic doles out her annual dubious-achievement awards.

by Barbara Lester

December 28 2004

Actor who could find a place in a bad '80s hair band: Colin Farrell, for his curly blond do and shag in Alexander and simply the worst wig of the year in A Home at the End of the World

Best little tush displays: Gael García Bernal in Bad Education, Brad Pitt in Troy and Colin Farrell in Alexander

Biggest mammaries: Selma Blair in A Dirty Shame

Best sex scene featuring puppets: Team America: World Police

Best reason to wish for the return of Pokémon: Yu-Gi-Oh!

Best toga-party movies: Alexander, Troy and The Passion of the Christ

Most pathetic reversal of fortune: Oscar winner Adrien Brody (for The Pianist in 2002), playing the village idiot in M. Night Shyamalan's The Village

Worst trend: Product placement in movie titles such as Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and the upcoming Because of Winn-Dixie

She's whose mother? Angelina Jolie, 29, played the mother of Colin Farrell, 28, in Alexander. The filmmakers didn't even bother to age her with makeup. Couldn't they find one older actress in Hollywood to play the part?

The penis we didn't want to see: Vincent Gallo's, in The Brown Bunny

The penis they didn't want us to see: Colin Farrell's, which was edited out of A Home at the End of the World

Movie all of three people saw, and be glad you weren't among them: Superbabies

Worst horror movie of the century: Van Helsing, which features cows terrorized by desperate and misguided vampiresses

Most welcomely overexposed comedian: Ben Stiller, in Along Came Polly, Dodgeball and Meet the Fockers

Fun couple of the year: Liam Neeson and Laura Linney, in Kinsey

Best reason to watch the credits: Eurotrip. Watch them, you'll see.

Guilty pleasure that will make you want to wear a bag over your head while renting it at the video store: Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

Best reasons 2004 was a bad year for Nicole Kidman: Dogville, The Stepford Wives and Birth, in which she takes a bath with a 10-year-old boy. Ugh!

Comedy that won't make you laugh even once: Welcome to Mooseport

Why Kevin Smith needs to go back to filming inside a convenience store: Jersey Girl

Best dead-language film: The Passion of the Christ, which featured Aramaic dialogue throughout

Most grotesque horror scene of the year: The seven-minute scourging of Jesus in The Passion of the Christ

Second most grotesque horror scene of the year: A man being pulled apart by zombies in Shaun of the Dead

Most horrific sight of the year: The shrieking Japanese toddler in The Grudge

Most effective weight loss: Not Mary-Kate Olsen, but Christian Bale, who lost 63 pounds for his creepy role in The Machinist

Most wasted two hours of my life: Crust, which was about a giant shrimp -- seriously

Best disaster movie with a touch of realism: The Day After Tomorrow, during which a tidal wave, a Noah's Ark-level flood and an ice age hit New York City within hours

Can Will Smith act? Just try and find evidence that he can in Shark Tale and I, Robot.

Best proof that you could computer-animate phlegm and people will go see it: Shark Tale

Best horror-movie remake: Dawn of the Dead

Worst trend for tween girls: Princess movies -- The Prince and Me, Princess Diaries II, Ella Enchanted and anything starring Hilary Duff

Worst animated Disney movie ever: Home on the Range, a barnyard bore that even 3-year-olds walked out of

Movie that could make you forget the Alamo: The Alamo

Busiest actor with the smallest audience: Jude Law, in Alfie, Closer, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, I (Heart) Huckabees

Best reason never to put hate in a movie title: She Hate Me, which practically every critic on earth panned by using hate somewhere in the review

Another bad precedent: Symbols in movie titles, specifically I (Heart) Huckabees. We need a symbol for hate.

OK, it was an awful movie, but she still looked good: Halle Berry in Catwoman