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Hurricane Irma: The drinking game

As Hurricane Irma bears down on South Florida, we’ll be stuck inside our homes, desperate for ways to stay entertained. A fifth of whiskey or scotch should do it.

Welcome to the Hurricane Irma Drinking Game. Requirements to play: a home stocked with the essentials (craft beer, booze or your favorite beverage), a mighty liver, a few bags of ice (for on-the-rocks drinks) and a battery-powered radio or portable TV.

Yes, it will be fun. No, you probably won’t remember most of it.

Now, let’s play. Here are 20 excuses to raise a glass before and during the hurricane this weekend.

Did you hear a local newscaster or meteorologist say, “hunker down,” “feeder bands,” “palm fronds” or “cone of uncertainty”? Take a sip.

Did you see images on TV of people lugging sandbags and slapping plywood on their windows? Another sip.

Did a newscaster say that Hurricane Irma is one of the strongest storms in recorded history? You’ve only heard it 20 times today. Scoff, then take three drinks.

New advisory from the National Hurricane Center? Sip if it’s positive news and take a big gulp if it isn’t.

Does the local news show images of storm surge? Sip.

Are there downed power lines or palm fronds on someone’s car? Sip.

See an announcement or push notification for a shelter that’s now accepting pets? Celebratory swig.

Is that same hurricane shelter now completely full? Scoff, then take another drink.

Does the local news show images of field reporters being blown around sideways by hurricane-force winds? Long, hearty drink.

Did the reporters fall over? Take a drink. Did they ask a surfer on Fort Lauderdale beach why they’re surfing during a hurricane? Trifecta! Drink!

See a traffic jam on TV with hundreds of cars idling at major intersections? Sip (it is commonplace, after all).

How about that reckless driver on TV driving in the opposite direction at that same intersection? Big gulp, friend.

Run out of alcohol? Use your charm and borrow one from a neighbor with the fanciest backup generator.

See images of downed power lines and blinking yellow lights at traffic intersections on TV? Sip (it’s also commonplace).

See rain falling sideways? Drink, and please stop staring out the window.

Playing UNO, Solitaire, Monopoly or Cards Against Humanity by candlelight? Definitely drink.

Is there a hole in your roof yet? Drink again, and then put a bucket down, for goodness sake.

Run out of power? Good thing you made nicey-nice with the neighbor earlier.

Has cabin fever transformed your muggy, electricity-less home into a scene from “Lord of the Flies”? Two drinks.

Did Florida Gov. Rick Scott or another government official give the all-clear to leave the house? Three drinks for victory.

Congratulations on finishing. Are you still awake?

pvalys@southflorida.com or 954-356-4364

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