Which Battles are Worth Fighting?
Find out in this month's column by Karen Deerwester
By Karen Deerwester
SouthFlorida.com
Parents have been told for decades to choose their battles. Which battles are most important? Of course you want your child to eat, but you can't force him if he spits the food back out. What can you reasonably expect at each stage of development? Educators say that biting is normal but you can't ignore teeth marks in another child's arm. Who's right when one parent is strict and another is relaxed? You just want to know – which battles really matter?
The difficulty is that the big picture values like respect, kindness or responsibility take decades to learn and a lifetime of practice. If you try to teach everything your child needs to know, he will be confused and overwhelmed. Children learn complex concepts in very small, concrete ways. You teach responsibility by caring for a goldfish or by getting to school on time – either one works. You teach respect by helping others or by whispering in a quiet place. Each so-called battle is simply a decision to help your child grow into the person you hope he will be. Then stand behind the choices that matter most to you.
Say "yes" more than "no"
Too many "no's" are just as ineffective as too few. Your child tunes you out or gives up because he keeps running into roadblocks. Say what your child should do instead of what he shouldn't. Look ahead. Leaving a playground is hard but going home to feed the cat is fun. Turning off a television is hard but snuggling in bed with a favorite book feels good.
There are also many ways to say "no". Can your child have candy before dinner? He can have candy after dinner (and make it concrete – I'll put the candy right here so we don't forget). Can your child wear her new dress for Saturday's party to school on Friday? She can take a picture of her new dress to show her teacher. Give dollar amounts before entering the store and ask your child which items are more and which are less. Limits are necessary but insight helps to avoid negativity.
Choose rules that work for you
Rules can be arbitrary but they are essential to sanity and safety. In some households, children only eat in the kitchen. In others, children go to sleep at 7:00. There will never be universal rules for all children in all homes. But every home needs a few time-honored rules.
Don't choose an early bedtime if you want to give your child time to play with dad after he gets home from work. If you're tired of picking up toys after the kids go to sleep, make it a rule to put toys away before bath time. Choose wisely because you are making a commitment to enforce what's important to you. Your child must always believe you are willing to uphold the rule. If you institute a new clean-up rule, you must also set aside additional time for clean-up. Plan silly clean-up games. Work side by side with your child because a clean house helps Mom. Hands-on parenting works. Armchair parenting does not.
Teach your child the skills needed to follow the rules.
A rule is meaningless if your child isn't getting it. It's important not to lose credibility. If an "inside voice" is challenging to your child, practice with toilet paper rolls to make it fun. If running through stores has become a game, make a few trips to the mall when you have nothing else to do but teach appropriate behavior. And leave as soon as your child starts to test your commitment.
Most times your child is trying to do the right thing. Though he might need help staying on course. If your child can't get it right today, try again tomorrow. Five minutes of appropriate behavior is a foundation for long-term success. Twenty minutes of inappropriate behavior is that much more to be un-taught another time.
Choosing your battles means keeping your perspective. Weigh your choices and your strategies against your long term goals. Are you living by someone else's rules? Do your actions reflect your values? Your child has much to learn but he doesn't have to learn it overnight. Teach him with steady confidence and he will grow into a fine person.
© Family Time Inc. 2008
Karen Deerwester is the owner of Family Time Coaching & Consulting, writing and lecturing on parenting and early childhood topics since 1984. Currently, Karen is the Mommy & Me director at The Ruth and Edward Taubman Early Childhood Center at B'nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton. Karen is the author of The Potty Training Answer Book and the Playskool Guide to Potty Training.
