Same book, different pages: SouthFlorida.com

When it comes to discipline, mom and dad being on the same page is essential for success

Unless "Supernanny" is occupying your guest bedroom, learning how to discipline your child can be one of the more daunting aspects of parenthood. And while it may be difficult for some moms and dads to utter a simple "no" to their child, disciplining can be even more challenging when your partner isn't on the same page.
Even though each family functions differently, it is important for each member to be able to derive support from one another in order to parent effectively. Whether it is mom or dad who is the natural disciplinarian, both parents need to work together to come up with a plan that is right for their family dynamic.
Because most parents draw from their own childhood experiences, both mom and dad could be coming from two entirely different schools of thought when it comes to disciplining their children, which can ultimately cause additional friction in the household.
"The parenting techniques moms and dads come up with are usually based on how they were disciplined and parented as children," said Wendy Jenkins, a licensed clinical social worker and parenting expert in Broward County. "Parents often complain that they cannot get on the same page as their spouse because each individual parent was raised differently, and people tend to emulate how they were parented."
Bill and Pam, whose names have been changed to protect their identity, of Pembroke Pines figured that after so many years together as a couple they had a good idea of which role each would take when it came to disciplining. But after their daughter was born, their initial predictions turned out to be a surprise to both of them. Pam, however, feels that there is a definite correlation between their respective childhoods and how they each shaped out to be as parents. "We had opposite childhoods. Mine was fun and easygoing, and I don't remember getting into trouble or not being allowed to do things within reason. Bill's was much stricter with a lot of yelling, making him more inclined to yell," said the mother of a 4-year-old.
Regardless of upbringing or discipline styles, Jenkins said it is imperative to communicate with one another and to come up with a plan during the early stages of parenthood. She also stresses consistency on two levels: with your partner and, when it comes to disciplining, using the same consequence each time the behavior occurs.
"Communication is the key to getting on the same page," Jenkins said. "They have to try to come up with a parenting plan as early as possible and then revisit the plan at different developmental stages to address new challenges." While Bill said he and his wife didn't sit down to discuss their discipline plan prior to having their daughter, he acknowledges that he sometimes feels as if he is the one doing most of the disciplining and believes that his wife gives more choices and freedom than she should.
"Sometimes I tell Pam I feel like I have two children because she tries to be more of a friend to our daughter," Bill said. "I wish she would take more control of a situation instead of saying, 'Just let her be a kid.'"
"I guess he says it because I am not always on top of her. I take a more flexible, relaxed approach to certain things," said Pam, who has learned some of her techniques from classes at Nova Southeastern University and various parenting articles. "I don't think we disagree; I just give her a little more freedom, and we have different ways of telling her the same thing. I might try to talk to her, and he is more direct. For example, whereas my husband will repeat over and over what he doesn't want her to do, like running or sitting on the cat, I will ask her questions to let her think about the consequences."
Although these minor disagreements may lead to marital tiffs here and there, major differences can lead to serious strife among couples.
Jenkins said one of the most common complaints spouses have about how the other one disciplines is that one is too strict and the other is too permissive, or that one is open to physical discipline.
"Inconsistency can give a child mixed messages, and it can create stress in the marriage if the parents cannot get on the same page," Jenkins said. "If parents are doing two different things, it's not going to be effective when trying to modify the behavior. It's important to use positive, proactive parenting, which includes praise and rewards, and providing consistent consequences to behaviors."
For example, Jenkins advocates redirection and providing timeout for inappropriate behavior, two tactics which Lauren Balaban, a divorced mother of twin 4-year-old sons, is quite familiar with.
"If we are supposed to go somewhere and they don't behave, I'll tell them we're not going, and I follow through with it," said Balaban, of Coral Springs.
While Balaban said that overall her sons are good listeners, she acknowledges that most behavioral issues arise when her sons fight with each other. She also notes that each child responds to different forms of discipline.
"For one, I can use minor threatening, and then he changes his tune," said Balaban, who considers herself more of a disciplinarian. "But I have to use timeout for the other one."
Regardless of your circumstances, parenting requires a lot of patience and even some trial and error to determine what works best for your family.
If you think you need additional support, there are several community resources available to assist parents, such as local parenting classes, the 211 Helpline in Broward, Miami-Dade and Palm Beach counties, and even professional help from a social worker or therapist.
No matter what you and your partner have tried in the past, there are always plenty of tools to assist moms and dads through any parenting challenge -- and it's never too late to use them.

Melissa L. Tichauer is a mother and freelance writer living in Coral Springs.