Tell it Like it Is: Teaching children honesty in a world of lies: SouthFlorida.com

Erin McGould has trained her daughter well. When she opens her birthday gifts each year, Elle, 5, says "thank you" -- even if she has five of the same My Little Pony figurines already corralled in her collection.
"She knows to be grateful for the gift she's given," the North Palm Beach mom said. "It's important to teach children honesty, but you don't want them to hurt anyone's feelings."
Recent studies have shown that children can build empathy by lying and that lying is a natural part of development. But -- as with those ponies -- moderation is best. If you let all kinds of lies slide when your child is young, you will make it difficult for her to understand the importance of honesty and interfere with her construction of a conscience.
"By age 4, children can understand the difference between the truth and a lie," said Sandy Moise, dean of The Parent Academy of Miami-Dade Public Schools. "If you don't set expectations of them being honest, they are going to start lying and believe they can get away with it."

Set them up to be truthful
One mistake many parents make is setting their children up to lie, said Moise, whose two children are 4 and 6. If you caught your child writing on her bedroom wall, for example, what would you say? Many parents would say, "Did you write on your wall?" Most children would reply, "I didn't do it." They would rather lie to avoid displeasing you than tell the truth and risk punishment.
Moise cautions parents against putting a child into a situation in which "you're almost forcing her to lie." Instead, she suggests, try reaching out to your child with understanding and ask open-ended questions that will allow her to express her feelings. "You can say, 'I really want to talk with you about something I saw. I know you [wrote on your wall], but maybe you can tell me why you did it.' " Letting children stew with a lie may push them to confess and give you an opportunity to discuss the meaning of guilt and remorse, Moise said. You may benefit from waiting to confront your child after she does something wrong.
When Moise's daughter cut her hair, she blamed her baby sitter. An hour later, Moise found the 4-year-old girl crying in her room. She felt guilty about getting the baby sitter in trouble and confessed. She hasn't lied much since. Said Moise, "She owned up to what she had done. She felt bad about lying."
Positive reinforcement can strengthen your child's honesty reflex, Moise said. If he admits he broke a rule or lied about something he did, it's good to show that you appreciate his honesty.
Kirk White has seen this reflex in action. A father of three living in Palm Beach Gardens, White has created an atmosphere in his household in which video games and TV are privileges that can easily be taken away if his children lie. But rather than punish them, he has found it more effective to offer praise when they tell the truth.
"Just saying, 'Now that's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm trying to get through to you' seems to make a difference," said White, whose children are 3, 12 and 16. "You have to keep reiterating that it's important."

Lying has consequences

That doesn't mean you should never punish your child for lying, said Dr. Janet Hibel, a licensed psychologist based in Palm Beach Gardens. Children need to know there are sometimes consequences for their insincerity.
"You don't want to let children off the hook completely because they need to learn how to make good decisions," Hibel said.
You can feel justified in reprimanding your child for writing on her wall, Moise said, but you can ease the sting by offering to clean it up with her and reminding her that even when she disappoints you, you still love her.
"If children think they'll always be severely punished for telling the truth, they could end up getting into harmful situations as they get older," she said. "You need to be firm in a loving way."

Model honesty

Parents often walk a fine line when it comes to truth and fabrication. Daily interactions offer countless opportunities to bend the truth -- and children are all ears.
If you call in sick from work to go on a day trip with your family, for example, and your 4-year-old hears you do your best impression of a tubercular donkey, he will get the message that lying is acceptable when it serves his needs.
"Children may seem like they're not paying attention when they really are," Moise said. "They'll pay attention and remind you later: 'Mommy, you weren't sick. That's when we were on vacation.' "
You should also resist lying to your children "for their own good," Moise said. Your children should trust you above everyone else. "Saying simple things like their medicine tastes good when they know it tastes bad can give children the wrong impression," she said. "We need to be cautious and realize what we do and say has an impact on them."
Nicole Manuel has already begun teaching her child the virtues of honesty. After the Palm Beach Gardens mom left a pharmacy and discovered her 3-year-old had grabbed a pack of gum she hadn't paid for, she immediately returned to the store, told the clerk what had happened and gave back the pack.
"I could have left and nobody would have noticed, but I wanted her to see it's good to be honest," Manuel said. "It's never too early to start."

Beware of deeper issues

Starting early does not necessarily mean your child will put all your lessons into practice from the get-go. It's important to be patient, Moise said. Her 4-year-old fabricates tales about his day at preschool and is still learning the difference between "truth" and "stories."
"He'll say, 'Mommy, I spilled something,' then say, 'April Fool's,' " she said. "Teaching honesty takes time. It's not going to happen overnight."
White, the Palm Beach Gardens father, has begun teaching his daughter the importance of telling the truth when it comes to safety. The 3-year-old recently yelled for help incessantly while floating in the middle of the family swimming pool. She wanted the attention of her parents, both of whom were poolside. She was fine.
"We had to explain the story of the little boy who cried wolf and how we might not believe her the next time she yelled and really needed help," he said. She seemed to get the point.
If, however, your child reaches his preteens without having learned the need for honesty, you may want to start showing him the greater consequences of his lying, Hibel said. Professional assistance may also be in order.
"You may have to be more vigilant of what they're doing and check up on them more frequently so they see you're not going to let anything go," she said. "They can't be mad at you for being intrusive, then, because they started it."

Cara Nissman is a writer based in West Palm Beach.