Special Child, Special Occasion: Ten Tips for Happier Events: SouthFlorida.com

Special events are the stuff of happy memories for most of us, but for children, they mean a departure from routine and an avalanche of social expectations in an unfamiliar setting full of strangers.

In other words, potential disaster.

A dress rehearsal at home for important occasions such as weddings, parties or formal dinners is worth the effort. An hour before Cousin Emma walks down the aisle is not a good time to find out that your son's suit pants ride up his bottom when he sits, the clip-on tie bothers his throat, the dress socks are too tight or the shirt cuffs are too short.

Being realistic about clothing is a good start to ensuring that your child can enjoy a dress-up affair. "Real" ties that slip under the collar will lie smoothly and allow the top button of the shirt to be left open, short sleeve shirts are fine for your child and so are any kind of socks that keep him comfortable. Who's going to be looking at his feet anyway?

Here are more tips that will help see your special child through that special event:

• Be honest about whether your child is ready to attend such an event. If he truly can't keep all four legs of his chair on the floor, gets easily overloaded in a room full of people and noise, it may be kinder to all involved to call in the sitter.
• Visit the venue beforehand to give him a visual image.
• Explain what will happen at the event, whether wedding, bar mitzvah, grandparent's birthday or anniversary, or family reunion. What will be expected? Sit quietly during the service, sign a guest book, get food from a buffet?
• Don't assume that your child understands the significance of the event. Children as young as 2 can understand the meaning of a birthday. But what is a graduation to a toddler? What's a baby shower? Even older kids have trouble understanding that one.
• Take the time to provide a simple explanation. These events may look quite different through the eyes of a child. The following cycle actually happened to us a few summers ago, and this is how our son saw it:

Graduation. What does it mean to "graduate?" What are those funny flat-top hats they're wearing? What happens to Cousin Evan now that he is 18 and done with high school?
Anniversary. Grandma and Grandpa have been married for 50 years. There's a towering cake and lots of old pictures. Oh my goodness, they weren't always old!
Wedding. Our former nanny is getting married. She is simply stunning in beaded gown and veil; her new husband is cool. The dancing is a blast but the speeches are bor-ing.
Baby shower. No, this party is not in the bathroom. Aunt Betsy's tummy is huge; the new cousin is almost here. Mom makes a centerpiece cake out of… diapers!

• If possible, arrange seating where your child will be able to see the event. It is unrealistic to expect her to sit quietly while voices she may or may not understand drone on somewhere beyond her view. However, if you think your child may not make it through the entire thing, sit where you both can slip out unobtrusively.
• Preview the menu. If it is not appropriate for your child, ask the hotel or restaurant for a special meal. Offer to pay separately. If special arrangements are not possible, bring something for your child as inconspicuously as possible, or feed her beforehand so she is not sitting around ravenously watching everyone else eat. When you've done what you can, don't sweat it further. Holidays and events are so exciting for children that many don't eat much anyway.
• Teach him a simple introduction and, if he can tolerate it, a handshake.
• Let him know there will be lots of people there, but he doesn't have to hug or kiss anyone if he doesn't want to, especially strangers. Then stay close to support him in this.
• Give appropriate 15-, 10- and 5-minute warnings, then leave while he's still having fun and the memories will be good. In other words: before the too-much-party meltdown. Having him tell the host "thank you for inviting me" before leaving helps him put a nice closure on the event. • And finally, a word to the wise: Never forget that many children will call it just the way they see it – or the way they hear it from you. Refrain from wondering aloud in the car on the way to the party if Uncle Joe will over-imbibe as usual, unless you want to hear little Hannah check in later with "I want to sit with Uncle Joe so I can see if he really does drink like a fish!"

Adapted from "1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders" by Ellen Notbohm and Veronica Zysk, 2004, Future Horizons, Inc.