Celebrate Family Stories: Give the present of your family's past: SouthFlorida.com

It's holiday time again, which means 'tis the season to spend with family. This holiday season, consider sharing the gift of family stories. While many of us know details of our family history, such as where our families originated, or our ancestors' professions, family stories are so much more. A form of virtual time-travel into the past, family stories can acquaint or reacquaint us with relatives living and dead, connecting us to our past in a way that mere facts cannot. They take us on a journey into the life and mind of both the teller and the hero of the tale. Family stories even transmit our family's values in a subtle and long-lasting way. For example, in our family, love relationships and marriage are pretty important. I guess I always knew that, but I didn't really know it. Not until I heard the following story:

For weeks after my mother first danced with my father at his brother's wedding, he didn't call her. The day he told her that he had bought a house, she took off from work to cry into her pillow. Then he asked her out on a date the following weekend and proposed. The house was for her.

This simple tale gives me a better glimpse into the young woman my mother was 52 years ago than any picture could. And when I combine it with pictures and keepsakes of her at that age, I feel closer to her as a person - and a mother - than ever.

Best of all, family stories are a creative and enjoyable way for family members of all ages to spend time together. And that means plenty of other opportunities for future family stories to take shape.

What is family storytelling?
Quite simply, a family story is a true, or supposedly true, reminiscence told from one generation of a family to another. By "reminiscence," I mean a story like the one above, or, ideally, with even more detail. It has a beginning, middle and end, and is set in a particular time, with characters and some kind of "plot." That doesn't mean family stories have to be the stuff of action movies. The seemingly unimportant incidents that happen to us every day may well become family stories given time and reflection.

Writing one's memoirs, or keeping a journal, is a popular activity that also ensures the continuation of a family legacy and connection. But family storytelling differs from memoir writing, or journaling, in an important way. A memoir, although an invaluable contribution to a family, may sit on the shelf for generations. Even the creation of it is generally done in solitude, or with the help of a memoir class or ghost-writer. In contrast, family storytelling is about relationships. It's about looking into the eyes of another family member and sharing memories. It's about laughter, tears, and above all, interaction. Family stories are not recited in a literary style. They are told to be retold, in colloquial language that invites listeners to make them their own, again and again, at family get-togethers.

Collecting family stories
How do you start collecting family stories? By asking questions. The following family story prompts are based on prompts from the book A Celebration of American Family Folklore: Tales and Traditions from the Smithsonian Collection, by Steven J. Zeitlin, Amy J. Kotkin and Holly Cutting Baker (Smithsonian Institution, 1982). Once you get the idea, you can create your own. And remember, answers may lead to different questions, so be flexible.

1. Tell me about your family surname. Where does it come from? What does it mean? Did it change when the family came to America? Are there stories connected with first names or nicknames?
2. What stories come down from your parents or other relatives that have to do with their childhood, schooling, marriage, work, religion? Do various relatives tell the same story in different ways?
3. Are there any notorious or infamous characters in the family's past?
4. Do you know stories of lost love, jilted brides, unusual courtships, arranged marriages, elopements or runaway lovers?
5. How did historical events, such as the Depression, Civil War, World War II or Vietnam affect your family?
6. Does the family have heirlooms or photographs with stories attached to them?

Remember, always try to collect stories set in a particular time and place, rather than general responses such as, "When we were kids, we used to go to the beach every weekend in the summer. Dad would bring the cooler...." When relatives can't oblige, however, be grateful for what they do say. You are sure to find that as family storytelling becomes a tradition, everyone's narrative skills will sharpen.

Speaking of which, unless you have natural storytellers in your family, you might find mostly story "seeds." What follows are some seeds of stories told in my family. While they are interesting in and of themselves, you will see how they would blossom with a little watering.

a) When my sister and I were little, my mother left the car engine running when she ran into the supermarket. The car started rolling backward.
b) My curious sister, age 2, reached up to inspect a boiling pot on the stove. The oil spilled all over her.
c) My grandfather didn't tell my grandmother he was two years younger than she until after the wedding.
d) As a young man, my father walked three miles in the blazing summer heat from the train station in our town because he was told that the place where he had a job interview was "just two streets down."

What do I mean by watering? Let's take the story of the car rolling backward. If my mother told me this seed of a story, I might ask her to fill in what are called the "sense" details: the sights, smells, sounds, feelings and such that make a story come alive in our imaginations. For example, I might ask:

1) What season was it? Was it cold, hot, raining?
2) What supermarket was it? (If I know the place, I can fill in some of the details myself.)
3) Did anybody notice what was going on? How did they react?
4) How did you feel when you saw the car? What did you do?
5) What were our reactions as babies inside the car? Were we scared, sleeping? laughing?
Or, with the story seed above about the beach, you might ask: Which beach? Which decade? What was in the cooler? What did you do at the beach? What did you wear to the beach? What sorts of things did you find on the beach (seashells, animals, sea glass)? What games did you play there? Who went to the beach with your family? Did you ever meet anyone there?

Involving the children
Children have a wonderful way of opening up the floodgates of story from their elders. I have fond memories of sitting on my grandfather's lap and asking him about his parents and his early life. Those family storytelling sessions brought us much closer. Unfortunately, I don't remember the stories! How I wish someone had set up a tape or video recorder. Young videographers or sound technicians will love their roles as family historians.

Here are some tips for recording: Check, check and triple-check that tape is in the recorder, that batteries are fresh, and that tapes are clearly labeled with the name of the person speaking, the number of the tape (that is, first in a series of three, second, etc.) and the date. Find a quiet place that won't be disturbed by ringing telephones and doorbells. If you can, use a separate microphone that is attached to, but not part of, the recording equipment. If that's not doable, be sure that the microphone is as close to the speaker, not the questioner, as possible. And before you start, do a test. Leave five seconds of blank tape (this is called the leader.) Then into the recorder, say the date, the name of the storyteller or tellers, the name of the other people in the room, and the interviewer. Then rewind to be sure that the tape worked. You may also wish to start the machine counter on zero, and then take notes of when certain stories start, so that you can easily return to them at a later date. I strongly recommend taking notes of the stories, too, just in case the tape fails.

Another way to engage children in family stories is to ask them to write them down. I have worked with children creating family story scrapbooks with construction paper, fabric and crafts shop decorations, photographs - and lined paper on every page for them to record the stories they hear. If the children are too young to write, have them retell the stories they hear to a parent or teacher who writes them down for them, while the child decorates the page.

Finally, there is family story theater. When I was about 5 years old, a teenaged cousin organized the younger children into a "troupe." We did simple improvisations of family stories, playing our roles as deceased family members or younger versions of relatives who were present. There we were in my grandparents' living room in New Jersey, acting out the story of Aunt Minnie who immigrated from eastern Europe to Texas. Our parents and grandparents roared with pride and laughter, as did my cousin's new fiancee, who got quite an introduction to the family.

Above all, keep in mind that storytelling is primarily an oral activity. From time to time, be sure to ask your children or grandchildren to retell the family stories they've heard. If so, chances are good that they will be doing so for the rest of their lives.

Caren S. Neile, MFA, Ph.D., directs the South Florida Storytelling Project at Florida Atlantic University and is managing editor of Storytelling, Self, Society: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Storytelling Studies. She performs and presents throughout the United States, Canada and the Caribbean.