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Happy Holidays A simple holiday With all the preparations, parties and presents, remember that sometimes the smallest things make the best memories Darryl Owens South Florida Parenting
The winter holidays roll in and you get to work. You bake the right cookies, buy the right gifts, attend the right parties, and host aperfectly righteous holiday feast. But soon, as the holidays take that sleigh ride into memory, you feel right pooped and sense something isn't quite right. It's a feeling that many revelers confront after the gift-wrap is discarded and the turkey is soup: a sense of what-was-it-all-for that annually leaves many American families spinning like a dreidel. In their book, Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love & Joy Back into the Season, Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli put their fingers on this jingling discord: "Christmas has become increasingly impersonal, frenetic, costly and empty of meaning. Busy women feel pressured to put on year-end extravaganzas and are given the hidden message that their families' happiness depends on their nonstop performance. Men are assigned only a minor role in the festivities, yet are criticized for their lack of enthusiasm. And children are programmed to believe that what they really want for Christmas are dozens of brand-name toys, and are rarely given the time and attention that would satisfy their unspoken needs." That grim diagnosis holds for many families, even if your brood observes Hanukkah or adds to the festivities with Kwanzaa, Three Kings Day or another yuletide fete. Fortunately, the cure is simplicity itself. Literally. Simplifying winter celebrations means giving those idealized delusions of perfection the boot, turning a deaf ear to Madison Avenue's siren song, and knowing when enough's enough. As BJ Gallagher, a Los Angeles sociologist, puts it: The mantra our families ought to adopt for the holidays is "less is more." Rebooting expectations At this time of year, a slide show unreels in our collective minds. Images of folks sipping cocoa. Carolers strolling and singing in three-part harmony. Moms baking sugar cookies. Rampant smiling togetherness. Wide-eyed children opening colorful packages in delighted surprise. Blame Norman Rockwell and the boys at Currier and Ives, purveyors of those iconic idealized images of picture-perfect winter holidays that grace Christmas cards, and (in the hands of crafty marketers) now shape our expectations. Many families so long for the holidays to be just right that everyone (especially Mom) becomes a nervous wreck, hopelessly and perpetually snared in the perfection trap. "There are unrealistic expectations … in our society that the holidays should be 'magical' for everyone," says Christopher Knippers, a clinical psychologist at the Betty Ford Center and author of Cultivating Confidence: Your Guide to a More Fulfilling Life. "People have started taking expensive vacations during the holidays, throwing elaborate parties, and buying opulent gifts, all in an attempt to create that perfect magical experience." Predictably, despite our Herculean efforts, the magic fizzles, and we "feel disappointed when our holidays fall short," says Amy Tiemann, author of Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family. Worse, "then we do it again next year!" You can stop yourself. Aim lower. That's not a cop-out, but an opt-in. Into reality. No matter how you plan, shop, cook and dress, perfection is an illusion. Once you come to terms with lower expectations for the holidays, you can take a cleansing breath, move on, and conjure what "perfect" means for your family. Setting priorities Simplifying is a matter of degree. How can you find the right recipe for your family's holiday magic? First, stop listening to what marketers, friends, and relatives say the holidays should include. Sister Mary Louise Foley, a campus minister at the University of Dayton who conducts annual "Unplug the Christmas Machine" workshops, suggests the extreme holiday makeover should begin with examining your values and divining what's important to your family. This introspection, she says, should help streamline the materialism and stress and produce simpler and more spiritual celebrations. "All the advertisements to 'have the best Christmas ever with …' encourages families to celebrate in a way that really does not bring much in the way of true joy," Foley says. "It might be more helpful if they would define for themselves the 'perfect' [celebration], the one they really want." Still, jumping off the holiday treadmill "requires courage and assertiveness," Knippers says, and requires a team effort. He suggests that families work together to fashion traditions that are unique and meaningful to your family. Call a family council and come armed with an agenda, he says. "The magic comes from the love of a family sharing the simple pleasures of life. You can teach your family some of the values, like love and harmony." "Listen to everyone. Hear them out. Respect their input. Stick to the agenda. Compromise. Then evaluate with how your family members are responding to the new traditions, activities or guidelines," Knippers says. "Do the children seem a little more relaxed? Are they actively participating? Has the whining diminished?" Maybe putting flickering lights on your home isn't as important as collecting gifts for the poor this year. Or maybe calculating a successful holiday season by the number of parties you attend becomes less important than curling up with popcorn and watching holiday flicks with the kids. Or maybe you really love the process of decorating the house, and that, in itself, is part of the holiday magic. Maybe you love getting dressed up and going to parties, and you don't want to give that up. After the brainstorming, "set priorities and stick to them," Tiemann says. "We need to take charge of making choices to simplify the holiday experience. Planning some of our choices in advance can help us avoid the feeling of being sucked into a holiday whirlwind." Chill on the food Food and the winter holidays go together like Santa and cookies. Huge spreads can spawn killer headaches for the chef. If hosting the holiday meal for the extended family is on your plate this year, Diane McCurdy, a certified financial planner and author of How Much Is Enough? Balancing Today's Needs With Tomorrow's Retirement Goals, suggests preserving your budget and sanity by making the meal a potluck. "Have everyone sign up to bring a dish or a drink," McCurdy says. "And when dinner is done, put on some holiday music and give everyone a clean-up task." Even simpler, suggests Jeff Davidson, author of Breathing Space: Living & Working at a Comfortable Pace in a Sped-Up Society, consider outsourcing the holiday vittles. "Ask your local supermarket about holiday platters, precooked dinner packages, and delivery," Davidson says. "Many markets offer these services." And if the brood just can't face Christmas without your famous cranberry cobbler, indulge them. With the turkey and fixings already whipped up, you'll have the time and energy. Thanks, but no thanks … Your best weapon for simplifying the holidays rests in the power of a tiny word: Just say no. No to the holiday party invitation for some cause or given by some person you don't really care about. No to spending days in a hot kitchen for a meal your ravenous relatives will wolf down in a matter of minutes. No to joining the stampede at the mall for the latest must-have toy of the season (sure to end up at the bottom of the toy box by Valentine's Day). "From saying 'no' to children who want the latest gizmo you may or may not be able to afford, to saying 'no' to invitations that keep you from spending time with your family, the ability to refuse people, especially around the holidays, will greatly reduce stress," says Susan Newman, author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It -- and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. While you're at it, Gallagher says, say no to the guilt. "Somehow, we so often feel like we have to justify saying no, when in reality, a justification only makes the problem harder," she says. "Giving the other person details … simply invites them to try to talk you out of it. Practice saying 'NO, I'm sorry, we have a previous commitment.' Say it again and again, until it becomes easy. You don't owe anybody an explanation of what the commitment is -- maybe it's a commitment to stay home and watch TV together, or a commitment to stay off the roads during holiday times -- it's your commitment to yourself. Don't explain, don't argue." And this winter, don't stress. As Jeff Davidson, a work/life balance expert and author of Breathing Space, puts it, it's up to families to grab the reins and drive their ideal celebrations this winter: "Remember, you're in charge of what kind of holiday you're going to have -- not Madison Avenue, Currier and Ives, or any other manufactured notion of what your life should include." Darryl Owens is a freelance writer, father of two, and staff writer at the Orlando Sentinel. He lives in Apopka. More Highlights |
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