The other day Sheryl Kraft wrote a very charming blog on Huffington Post with the title of "50 Things I've Learned in 50-Something Years."
"That's one great thing about aging, isn't it? You get to shed your young skin and comfortably zip up a new and improved one," she wrote.
I certainly agree, providing one properly moisturizes. But beyond that I can't help but think that Kraft and I have had very different experiences in our long, long, long lives.
Here's what I've learned:
1. Self help books are stupid. Most of them could be condensed into a nice list that would fit on your fridge.
2. No matter what you do, you will spend half of your life waiting for "service technicians" between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. (where do you think I found time to write this list?)
3. Never read the online comments. It will destroy your faith in humankind.
4. It's a good idea to replace having children with adopting pets. They're more grateful and there's no need for a college fund.
5. Save up all your hostility and frustration so you can bring it to the condo association meeting. That seems to be what everyone else does, so why not you?
6. By and large, seeing a movie in 3-D is a waste of money. I am willing to make an exception for porn, but who goes to a porn theater anymore? And wearing 3-D glasses in front of a laptop just seems...um...I should stop, shouldn't I?
7. Patience really is a virtue.
8. Exercise is vital. But remember lifting a bunch of heavy weights is like making the best buggy whip - we have machines now that make all of that obsolete.
9. If you openly share your innate racism, you can cut your gift list down to practically nothing.
10. Choose your church for its choir; your synagogue for its proximity and your mosque for its being smart enough to hire a guard to watch your shoes.
11. I don't care what anyone says, that "Matlock" is a really good show. R.I.P. Andy Griffith. And yes, so is "Murder, She Wrote."
12. Fast food is for hangovers only.
13. Stick to the outer rim of the grocery store which is where the real food is. Avoid the middle unless you need trash bags and detergent.
14. If you like everything your politician says and does, you are being pandered to.
15. Try to appear intelligent and well-informed at the jury pool. You will never get chosen. Read the newspaper, "Vanity Fair" and "Rolling Stone" in an ostentatious way. No one can see what you're perusing on a tablet. This is ain't no coffee shop.
16. Fit is more important than fashion.